Recipe for disaster

Spring has sprung and so has the urge for boys to get in touch with their hormonal urges. Yep, you heard it, this week I've had to deal with boys not being able to control themselves. I won't say a thing about the girls who'll participate in the lack of control of their peers just yet.
The tween years are such a challenge for kids that they seem to be more of a cruel joke that nature thrusts upon them than an attempt at allowing them to grow. Here's a list of challenges off the top of my head, only based on what I've had to work with this week with boys (I'll discuss girls next):
Deciding on loyalty vs doing the 'right' thing.
Deciding if doing the right thing will have any effect.
Deciding to solve problems on their own, to ask a friend for help or to ask an adult.
Am I interested in romance?
We used to be such good friends... What happened? Why can't things be like they used to? What am I going to do about it?
If I think that girl is pretty, does it mean I like her? And if I do, should I try to spend more time with her? What if she doesn't feel the same way? What will my friends think?
If I watch porn does that make abnormal, a pervert or is it ok?
I can't keep my hands to myself.

Boys are so confused at age 10 - 12 that they wish there was a magic wand adults could wave to make everything perfect. By age 13 they come to the painful realization that there's no such thing as a magic wand and that the solution to their problems will only come out of hard work. Also by age 13 they understand that the paranoia they felt about everyone being aware of their problems is silly and that most boys their age are experiencing similar things.
During the tween years one of the most complex problems is adjusting to physical and emotional change. Wet dreams, sudden erections in public, daydreaming about girls, shyness, comparisons and mockery in the lockerroom, among others, are all part of what boys experience. Unfortunatelly, the adaptation to physical change is not accompanied, yet, with tools for hypothesizing about those changes. Until the brain has not really become an adult brain (way into your 20's), the frontal lobes are not connected yet and the advanced functions of the brain are not fully functional. There's less myelin in the tween's and teen's brain, so nerve signals don't flow as freely. By contrast, in the mid-30's people have the highest concentration of myelin, so parents that age end up understanding less about how their kids simply can't control themselves.
The basic premise in the tween years should be this: kids aren't capable of seeing the effects of their actions or the consequences for others. They have a deminished capacity to predict outcomes. So they simply act and end up being seen as self-centered. So, when this week a boy brought his laptop to school (with broadband) and opened some really violent videos and showed them to unsuspecting passers by, he wasn't thinking. Adults might think, "How daft", but really, what did anybody expect? A boy, age 10, with unlimited Internet connection is just simply a ticking time-bomb. If not he, a classmate would have made the same torpid mistake. Another boy this week took a younger boy's keyboard away while at the library and typed a search term that would yield erotic images. He also typed swear words into another boy's word processor. When speaking to these boys, they pretty easily understand the silliness of their actions, but, of course, after the fact. The same thing happened to the boys I had to call in for lifting the skirts of their classmates and of girls in other classes. The boys who started a game that involved bumping into girls also understood how inappropriate the game was once we had a chat.
Parents and educators can help kids a lot by helping them see that they need to be more aware of the consequences. They can do this by pointing out that children need to use their mistakes to shed light on new experiences and by making it clear, in words that kids can understand, that acting on impulse is a problem, but not a moral/ethical problem. Issues related to sexual education should not be shrouded in guilt. That model has been used before with poor results; guilt doesn't work. Children need to understand. "That's bad" only confuses kids more and opens a gateway to two other problems; closing off communication and hiding away to try new things.
Full, unlimited access, at whatever hour, to do anything can be remedied by correcting the disastrous recipe with the following: setting limits and providing an honest indication that lack of control is damaging (examples about driving are useful here), discussing about what we do affects others' feelings and health, talking about how learning about self-control helps us to really be in control when we need it, communicating that sexuality is a good thing and that it needs to be treated with respect and affection for the good of our own self-respect and sense of self-worth and for the good of the ones we love.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, rules are necessary and desirable. Children and teens need to understand the driving force behind rules so as to make sense of them and put them to good use.

Don't forget to give the girl a candy

When our second son came home yesterday, frantically entered his room to jot something down and then told us that he had met a girl who he had promised to exchange a lollypop with, my wife and I immediately raised an eyebrow.
He had gone to his room to write a note to himself: Don't forget to give the girl a candy.
He didn't know her name nor what class she's in. He just knew that they offered to exchange a lollypop; he'd buy her one and she'd buy him another. As it turns out, she's a tenth grader, the eldest of one of his classmate's sisters.
As a joke I asked the girl what her intentions were with my son. She just laughed and told me that the lollypop exchange idea has been going on for a while now. She loves that he's nice to her and that he pops his head into her homeroom now and again with little else than a smile and wave to offer.
Our eight-year-old son has discovered that age makes no difference when it comes to finding kindness and acceptance in others. As Anne, from Anne of Green Gables would say "Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think". It's so comforting to see a small child find that out for himself at such a young age.

Tiger Mom v Bryan Caplan

What type of parent are you?  Marcelo, I am intrigued to hear your opinion. 

Espanta-cucos

Hace muchos años atrás escuché que la mejor manera de que los niños cesaran de temerle a los monstruos era usar un perfume en spray como espanta-cucos. Cuando mi hijo mayor comenzó a levantarse de noche diciendo que tenía miedo, decidimos comprar un desodorante , rotularon con una imagen de un monstruo con una cruz dibujada encima y ofrecerlo a mi hijo como la solución. La verdad es que nunca pensé que seria tan fácil como comprar un spray y olvidarse de los monstruos.
Por un corto tiempo aplicamos el spray antes de la hora de acostarse. Mi hijo quedaba convencido que no aparecerían monstruos mientras hubiese olor al spray en su pieza. Nunca más tuvimos un problema. Ojalá fuese tan fácil con las cosas que de verdad nos deberían dar susto.

Playing with fire

The situation described below is a mixture of a few experiences that I have accumulated over fifteen years, regarding students, both boys and girls, and families from different schools. It refers to no one person in particular. The name I have used is fictional, but the events are not.
Long before he set fire to a few objects in class, Diego had been in and out of my office, in and out of probation, in and out of the school's psychologist's office many, many times. He had started to veer from what his family and school expected from him pretty early on during his elementary school years. By the time he reached the Middle School, he had created a reputation for himself that caught the eyes of teachers, students and parents alike. It started out with showing opposition to teachers in the classroom. It moved on to speaking in an aggressive tone to classmates. It was coupled with academic irresponsibility and low grades. Diego soon became a verbal bully, participated in vandalism and even theft.
As a result, parents started forbidding their children to spend time with him. At school, classmates grew weary of interruptions during class. They didn't like it when their things went missing either. It was clear that they were tired of the homeroom teacher speaking about problems in the classroom when they knew that they were not personally to blame.
Diego's resistance to change was impregnable. Even the most experienced teachers became exasperated with him. His parents were at a loss. His friends started to jump ship on him, one by one. The more he was pressured into changing his attitudes and actions, the deeper he became rooted in his ways. Insolence was his common attitude towards teachers. Defiance and threats characterized his relationships with classmates. Diego faced disciplinary sanctions with disdain; detentions and suspensions seemed to be of no consequence to him. By age 13, Diego had joined a gang and started going to school with gang emblems. One evening he was taken home by the police after having wrecked a car with a baseball bat.
How did Diego get to such a place, to such a state? How was a student allowed to get so far? How come intervention from the school had little or no effect? The truth is that, extreme as it may seem, it's my experience that Diego's situation is not an isolated one. Two key factors were at play here. One, Diego's teachers gave up on him quickly and sought his expulsion very early on. From the start, Diego understood that there was nothing he could do to reverse his own situation. He did what he though was the only thing he could do; he intensified his opposition. The second factor was the real trigger though; his parents didn't listen to the school during the elementary school years. Instead, every time they were called in, they fought the school, contradicted teachers and reinforced in Diego's mind the notion that teachers were against him and that they, as parents, would advocate for him, no matter what. So years of conflict accumulated. Diego believed himself to be untouchable. His parents developed an animosity towards the school that transpired into Diego's own opposition to norms and appropriate social behavior. When his parents realized what had happened and how they had contributed to the scenario, it was already too late.
While in Seventh Grade, Diego had begun to drink and smoke outside school. He had at least one very tempestuous boyfriend-girlfriend relationship which ended in heartbreak for him and disgust for her. In Diego's mind nobody understood him, nobody cared, and he had nowhere to go. He had lost the safety net that had been his parents because they were no longer willing to cover for him or to justify his actions.
On the last day of school Diego was spotted painting the walls of the school by leaving his handprints in bright colours. Though he had been expelled, he returned to vandalize the school the following school year. He later started crank calling former classmates and threatening them on the phone. He was no longer at school, but students feared Diego. Parents knocked on my door demanding even more action.
The years of parental inconsistency had produced a tardy response to Diego's needs. As early as the Third Grade parents were urged to seek professional help. His parents blamed the school and refused to take him anywhere. When the situation had reached the office of the Principal, there was little to do or say but demand that Diego's parents should coordinate efforts with the school, that they accept there was a problem and that they stop covering up Diego's vandalism and even criminal behavior. Teachers were asked to, what I call, "press the restart button" on their relationship with Diego and show him their kind side. Diego was assigned a tutor and was called in to the Principal's office every week to monitor progress. Further situations of theft and vandalism shut the lid on Diego's case and the school ended up applying the most severe sanction possible, besides prosecution, which is expulsion.
The line between listening to your child and healthy skepticism is not a fine one. I have met many parents who start off their interviews with me by saying "I believe my child", leaving no room for dialogue. Believing one's child is important. Believing blindly is negligence. Checking and verifying a child's capacity to be dexterous with the truth should become a permanent parental task. One reason for this is that, as children grow, they learn that things are not necessarily either 100% right or 100% wrong, but that there are shades to each colour. It becomes necessary to periodically re-draw the line between appropriate and inappropriate. Also, especially in the tween years, boys and girls increasingly find themselves in the moral dilemma of having to choose between values: honesty or loyalty, kindness or tolerance, assertiveness or altruism. Adults need to show the way.
Parents need to see their relationship with their child's school as a partnership. The minute the relationship turns into a tug-of-war it becomes imperative to press the reset button. Anything short of starting fresh is playing with fire.

You promote what you permit

When I was growing up, my dad would take my brothers and I to the neighborhood barber shop. My earliest memories of things we'd do only as the 'men' in the family was precisely walking to the barber's. I even remember how dad would make us run in front of him and back so as to fight the cold on our way to the shop. It's my turn now and I get to take my children to the barber.
Don Eduardo has a part barber shop, part hair salon close to our house. I don't always take all four boys at once (divide to conquer), but I sometimes do. He knows the kinks, quirks and bumps of all the boys' heads. He most of all knows their temperament. When we go to the shop, he greets each boy by name. He talks to each boy in just the right way to connect with each one. When he cuts their hair they know he's paying attention just to them. Going to the barber shop is like going home.
Don Eduardo is so good with the boys from the families he receives that the moms take their girls too. Yesterday he offered a mom to have his female hair dresser cut her two girls' hair: "No, I want YOU to cut it". I've tried other shops and other barbers, but with don Eduard I can sit back and enjoy the ride. Sure, some of my boys go to the shop kicking and screaming, but when they're there, they laugh, tell stories and run around and outside the shop.
As a Principal I talk to many parents who don't know how they lost control of what has been happening in their child's life. Quite a few parents have let things happen to their children and have turned a blind eye to things their kids are involved in. When you have a vision of what you want for your children, it's things like where they get their hair cut and who actually cuts it that can help you achieve that vision.
In Chile we have a saying: it's not the pig's fault; it's who provides the slop. The notion that adults or authority figures are responsible for whatever can happen doesn't always have a negative side; allowing things to happen can have a good side when you make good choices about what you permit.

Like a 'hooker' in a 'scrum'

A key player ina Rugby Sevens scrum is the 'hooker'. The hooker uses his legs to hook the ball so that his team members can then take the ball. So the hooker's presence and role is central, but it means nothing without the direct and constant support of the other members of his team. In fact, apparently nothing in Rugby can be achieved without teamwork. Unlike soccer or a few other contact sports, rugby fully integrates teamwork into the entirety of the game.
My eldest son is the hooker in his school's team for his category. Though he walked around with an inflated ego for a few days after being assigned the position, he quickly lost the haughty attitude once he understood that he was just another player, that other players had other roles, and that he had to play his part.
For children, and many times for adults, it is tremendously complex to learn how to be a protagonist at one point and then serve as a player who supports another's protagonism. Teachers go crazy finding ways to teach teamwork using multiple scenarios, spending long hours in class modeling behaviors, and correcting errors. I've seen only one fantastic teacher of English accomplish teaching teamwork in a manner that looks effortless. I've seen an abundance of (and personally experienced countless) disappointments while tackling the same challenge. For some reason in Rugby the notion that everybody's indispensable just clicks for boys. Sure, there's guidance from the coach, but the players appear to automatically acquire a sense of unity that is foreign to other contact sports.
Last weekend we watched a soccer match where very few players were the stars of the game. It was clear that the majority of the players were anonymous even while being on the pitch. More often than not I see the same phenomenon ocurr in the classroom with students; there are those who excel and there are those who go unannounced and unsung. At home it feels like an impossible task to make certain that all the boys feel they are important. Perhaps the answer is to allow children to be the hooker in the scrum and feel that at times they are the key player, but at other times, their job is to help someone else shine.

Dulces sueños (continuado)

Antes he escrito acerca de los remedios naturales para solucionar problemas relacionados con el sueño. La verdad es que, cada día con mayor frecuencia, veo que el sueño es un factor decisivo en como funcionamos durante el día. Lo veo con los estudiantes en el colegio, con mis hijos en casa y en mi persona. Las horas que permanecemos durmiendo, y la calidad de nuestro sueño, condicionan el diario vivir. En el colegio, los alumnos que no duermen bien tienen un desempeño descendido. Cuando mis hijos duermen mal, sus temperamentos cambian. Cuando yo duermo mal, manejo las tensiones con menos destreza.
Lograr que los niños duerman bien es una gran tarea y hay varias opciones que nos pueden ayudar. La primera la aprendimos más bien por la fuerza que por la razón. Es imprescindible ofrecer a los niños rituales para el sueño, ya sea por medio de la lectura, la conversación u otra actividad que le permita a los niños bajar el nivel de agitación natural que se produce al terminar el día. Los que tienen hijos menores de un año recordarán que antes de dormir ellos pueden tender a llorar mucho y a estar molestos. Esto es su manera de gastar el exceso de energía que todavía conservan previo a dormir. Pero no es necesario que el llanto o la agitación sea el mecanismo para lograr desprenderse del exceso de energía. Al igual que a los niños más pequeños se les puede leer, cantar, dar un baño o dar un masaje, a los niños mayores se les puede acompañar previo a dormir con variaciones de estas técnicas.
En ocasiones, pareciera que nada funciona. Hay veces en que se debe buscar y oprimir el botón de reinicio que tienen los niños para que ellos y nosotros logremos dormir. Los niños sí tienen un botón de reinicio. Lamentablemente no tienen un botón de modalidad suspendida u "off", pero sí de reinicio. Para cada niño, ese botón es diferente, pero definitivamente hay cosas que funcionan para la mayoría. Los remedios caseros funcionan muy bien, pero no hay que abusar de ellos. Lo que nos ayudó con más de uno de nuestros hijos fueron las cáscaras de naranja. Una infusión con la capa superior de cáscaras de naranja produce sueño y permite que los niños, durante un par de noches, se reincien y luego puedan conciliar el sueño sin esa ayuda.
Hemos probado muchas técnicas y lo más probable es que para cada niño y cada familia se deban hacer algunos ajustes, pero me atrevo a decir que para todos el uso rituales y remedios caseros ayudan a facilitar que los momentos previos a la hora de dormir sean muy gratos.

A cada quien lo que le corresponde

Mi segundo hijo me comentó hoy que quería pololear con una compañera de curso, ya que ella le pidió pololeo. Eso no tendría nada de extraño si es que mi hijo no tuviese siete años. Conversamos mucho con mi hijo; acerca de lo que significa pololear, lo que implica, sus sentimientos hacia su compañera, lo que pasaría si es que peleasen, sus motivaciones para pololear, etc. Él comprendió, pero se desilusionó cuando le informé que era muy joven (intencionalmente no dije "pequeño") como para pololear.
El entusiasmo por tener acceso a lo que hacen los pares, especialmente si es que lo hacen personas mayores, es casi imposible de contener en un niño. Es muy atractivo tener un celular, una cuenta de correo electrónico, una cuenta en un sitio web de redes sociales o pololear.
El problema para los niños es que ellos no encuentran que se están adelantando en las etapas de desarrollo. El problema con los adultos que permiten estos adelantos es que no se dan cuenta que están invirtiendo en una serie de fuertes dolores de cabeza a futuro. Al permitir, desde una muy temprana edad, que los niños tengan acceso a lo que no les corresponde por su etapa de desarrollo, produce, por parte de los niños, una búsqueda exacerbada de mayores desafíos. Esto provoca, ineludiblemente, una necesidad de traspasar límites con el fin de obtener el objeto o la conducta deseada.
El cantante Billy Joel, en su serie de conversaciones con estudiantes universitarios, 'Sessions', comenta que su experiencia ha sido que sus compañeros de colegio que siempre buscaron alcanzar su "peak" muy tempranamente, terminaban convirtiéndose en, lo que él llama, un cenicero dado vuelta; es decir, un desorden, algo que no encaja ni funciona bien. A modo de ejemplo, el interés de usar piercings de nariz y de lengua en niños y niñas de 12 o 13 años de edad, aparte de las motivaciones relacionadas con la autoestima y auto-imagen, nace de la búsqueda de la excitación y de quebrantamiento de normas y límites. Lo mismo sucede con los acuerdos acerca de los permisos para salir y los horarios convenidos. Las experiencias tempranas relacionadas con el desarrollo sexual, en cierta medida, condicionan las conductas y concepciones acerca de la sexualidad en el futuro. El pololeo temprano condiciona el interés en futuras relaciones de pareja en cuando a buscar nuevas experiencias. Es así como en Chile la edad de iniciación sexual ha ido disminuyendo (Fuente: Flacso-Chile).
Mi tarea hoy consiste en redireccionar los intereses de mi hijo y ofrecerle una atracción por lo que le corresponde por su etapa de desarrollo. El interés por las relaciones sociales con el otro sexo comienza comúnmente en la pre-adolescencia. El romance y la intimidad de pareja son temas que se deben iniciar ya en la adolescencia. De todas maneras, les comento que se hace difícil reaccionar a frases como "es que nos amamos".

Dulces sueños

Luego de 10 años de dormir mal, a sobresaltos, con un ojo cerrado y el otro abierto, con la oreja atenta a cualquier ruido y listo para atender a cualquier niño que lo necesitaba, recién ahora he comenzado a dormir mejor. No es que yo esté menos atento a que alguno de los cuatro niños tenga alguna inquietud durante la noche, ni tampoco que ellos hayan dejado de levantarse en medio de la noche; esas dos cosas continúan. La diferencia está en que el sueño de los niños es más regular y constante. Ellos duermen toda la noche, casi todas las noches, desde las ocho y media de la noche y un mínimo de nueve horas, y muchas veces diez horas.
Es posible que a algunos esto no les llame la atención, pero me ha sucedido que muchos padres me cuenten que sus hijos no duermen en forma constante, que es una batalla lograr que se acuesten y que las horas de sueño son pocas.
Cuando sólo había un niño en casa, no era tiempo tan mal gastado destinar largos ratos en lograr que hubiese paz y quietud en la casa. Aun así, no dejaba de ser un deseo que la hora de dormir fuese algo fácil, como una imagen idilica salida de un retrato de Rockwell. En la medida en que fueron apareciendo los otros niños, cada uno con sus necesidades, ritmos de sueño y vigilia y de exigencias al intentar dormir, ese deseo se hizo cada vez más una necesidad. Antes uno contaba con Topo Gigio, Casimiro, Tata Colores y los angelitos para señalar cuando los niños debían estar en cama. Ahora eso no ocurre y entre pañales, ropa mojada, mamaderas, almohadas de diversos tipos y tamaños, enfermedades (algunas graves) y los temperamentos de cada uno, la hora de ir a la cama se hizo una tarea poco grata.
Hoy en día esa hora es agradable, un momento buscado y disfrutado por todos. Los minutos antes de acostarse es un tiempo apreciado y de cercano contacto entre todos los integrantes de la familia. Nos congregamos en torno a la cama de papá y mamá, conversamos, vemos un documental, todos acurrucados. La "hora de regalonear" la llamamos. Es un momento para descomprimirse, bajar las revoluciones, desconectarse del quehacer diario y de demostrarse cariño.
Incorporamos este ritual a nuestras vidas más por accidente que por diseño. Pero ha sido la salvación. Quizás no sea lo que puedan realizar todas las familias, pero se ajusta a lo que con mucha frecuencia hemos escuchado; los niños necesitan un ritual para irse a dormir. Los rituales les dan seguridad y facilita que cada noche traiga dulces sueños.

Tangible activities continued

Nothing like simple, hands-on activities to engage the minds, bodies and spirits of children.

Knobs, buttons and finger tips continued

Using a VCR is a breeze for children who were born in a digital age. But "why do the commands take so long to work?" asks one of the boys, unhappy that buttons don't produce split-second reactions from the appliance. "What is REW?" asks the other. That a tape needs rewinding produces a certain cognitive dissonance in digital-native children, but only for about half a second; new tech concepts are everyday notions for children today. New technologies appear constantly and so they adapt accordingly. For my generation the need to constantly adapt is not as easy as it is for the newer generations. I grew up with cassette and video tapes. The CD format was introduced in the early 80's and, almost 30 years later, is still an acceptable format.

Now we have to think about the next hub: the cloud. What's coming next is storing everything on something even more intangible than the "grooves" on an LP; a server somewhere lost in cyberspace. For a child who has never had to stick a pencil in the reel of a cassette tape and twirl it to rewind it, the notion of rewinding should be foreign, but in fact, it's the most logical thing on the planet. My boys have been playing with the VCR for the past three days, rewinding and fast-forwarding just like I used to a few decades ago. They visit and revisit scenes. It's nothing new, but the fascination is unparalleled. And the reason is very simple. It's tangible. A knob must be turned to rewind, released to play, turned the other way to fast-forward, and pushed to pause. A knob makes perfect sense.

Returning to the tangible is a gift for children. There's so much they can't control, so much that is out of reach, that what's tangible comes as a welcomed surprise. Every time I speak to parents who have had their children suffer on account of online bullying, I have to explain that the person who bullies is not devoid of feelings and does not have a problem with values. The difficulty lies in the online world; it's intangible. Children can't really see the effects of what they do online. The sensation of the effects of what they do online is similar to the sensation that comes from playing a video game. It's not tangible, so children feel that the consequences of their actions are real only within that world.

The world of what's tangible is of tremendous importance for children. Mobile phones, social networking, and remote controls are all interesting additions to our lives, but what children need to do before learning to use these is to learn to function within the world of what's concrete. A few ways to do this are to introduce pre-digital age activities: writing, board games, building with blocks and mechanical pieces, colouring books, yo-yo's, slinkies, or simply riding a bicycle and learning to repair one.

Outsourcing homework

My third son suddenly says, "I'd like to have a servant, so he can go to school and do my homework for me!" It seems that Kindergarden has become a burden. While I was busy trying to decipher how to react, my second son quickly commented, "I don't think it's a good idea to have a servant. If I were a servant, I wouldn't like to have to do things for other people."
"Right," said the other one.
I've commented before about empathy and hypothetical-deductive thinking. It took a specific scenario for my children to discuss the feelings of others. Before one of the boys brought up the idea that a servant might not appreciate being a servant, the notion truly appealed to them.

Go bANAnas!

My boys are constantly on the move, so we stock-up on bananas every week to prevent cramps. Especially our eldest, who plays rugby and soccer for his school, needs to find a way to fend off cramps. Bananas are the answer. Besides, they're easy to eat.
When we heard that a friend's son was suffering from leg cramps at night, we naturally suggested the remedy. Potassium and magnesium supplements are the common suggestion for cramps and bananas are well endowed with both. From what I hear, the cramps went away.

I used to be skeptical about natural remedies and laugh at the notion that herbs and fruit could do a better job than modern medicine. After being very patient with me, my wife convinced me that both options can be combined into a very effective treatment for common, daily situations. We now keep a limited herb garden. "Cedrón" or Lemon Verbena is among our favourite herbs. Lemon Verbena is used for digestive purposes. It's also very easy to grow.

Pullover update

Our son baptized his pullover 'flake', as in snowflake.

Keep 'em warm

I don't know how to call 'em, but I got tired of my youngest son sleeping over his covers and freezing during the night, so I made him a polar fleece kind of pull-over.

Calor de hogar

En Incal venden tela de polar por metro. Le fabriqué un polerón largo para dormir a mi hijo menor para que, cuando se destape durante la noche, no le de frío.

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Todo tiene su momento oportuno

"Papá, ya me cansé de que mis hermanos me peguen, se lancen encima mío y se rían de mi," me explica mi hijo mayor. Es el turno de los dos hermanos del medio. Atormentan a su hermano mayor con eximia pericia. Claro, su posgrado lo obtuvieron a manos de su hermano y hoy se lo agradecen de una manera muy particular. Ellos saben que él ha incorporado a sus creencias que no les puede devolver la mano, por lo que despliegan sus mejores destrezas de trabajo colaborativo para sacarlo de quicio.
La rivalidad fraterna no es una novedad y no hay, necesariamente, una estrategia infalible para remediar la hostilidad entre los hermanos. La verdad es que lo que permite superar las dificultades más complejas es el tiempo. Si bien puede parecer poco esperanzador, esperar es, en gran parte, lo que se debe hacer. Lo que permite que el tiempo haga su efecto es la llegada de la pre-adolescencia. Si uno ha sembrado con los hijos en cuanto a la valoración del otro, la incipiente capacidad del pre-adolescente de medir los efectos de lo que hace y de identificar las posibles ramificaciones de lo que cultiva en sus relaciones interpersonales permite que su interés por el bienestar de los hermanos pueda aflorar.
Durante años la rivalidad entre nuestros dos hijos mayores nos trajo mucha preocupación. Las intervenciones únicamente sirvieron para reaccionar a situaciones concretas. Por mucho tiempo no encontrábamos que hubiese avances sustanciales en la relación entre ambos hermanos. El origen de los problemas era que el mayor resentía que el otro le hubiese arrebatado la condición de hijo único. A pesar de que el cariño entre ambos era evidente, sufrían al no llevarse bien.
Con el tiempo la distancia en edad se hizo más notoria. De a poco el mayor pudo darse cuenta que ser el mayor, además de las exigencias, le proponía un acceso a privilegios. Nuestro segundo hijo también comenzó a tener intereses propios más marcados, por lo que involucrarse en lo que estaba haciendo su hermano mayor ya no era tan atractivo. El crecimiento personal de ambos y su cariño por el otro permite que hoy no haya una rivalidad marcada por el resentimiento. Persisten rivalidades pequeñas, pero los hermanos han encontrado la manera de resolver sus diferencias. Además, saben que tienen adultos mediadores a los que pueden recurrir.
Mi hijo mayor ya no se interesa por las dificultades de sus hermanos con el fin de meter el dedo en la llaga, como lo hacía antes. Sus hermanos se dan cuenta de eso y se sienten apoyados cuando su hermano se acerca y les hace cariño. Todo tiene su momento oportuno.

The Emperor's New Clothes

I went to pick the car up from the shop where I had left it for fine-tuning. My youngest and my eldest asked to accompany me, so they came along. As we were walking towards the bus stop my youngest pointed out something obvious, but which I had neglected to notice: "Look! A naked tree!" It's Autumn in Chile. The leaves are mostly gone from the plum trees that line the street that leads to Vitacura Ave., the closest street with a bus line passing through.

Children say the darndest things. They're so casual about pointing that which we probably should have taken notice of. My eldest son, in a soft, older brother voice, quickly corrected him and patiently explained about the seasons, how now it's Autumn, and that leaves fall. "I know, but look, it's naked."

It's not that young children don't understand complex concepts. In fact, if we choose to refrain from underestimating them, more times than not, they surprise us with the level of sophistication of their understanding. The diference between my two sons is that my eldest has lost the wonderment for things such as the seasons.

As we rode the on the bus my youngest son continued to say "Oh!" at every thing that caught his eye. It became a game later for his elder brother. He would say to me, "I bet he's going to say 'oh' again." He guessed every time. When we passed by a cage filled with canaries he said, "He's going to say 'oh' again." Surely enough, it happened. By anticipating what his brother's reaction would be, my eldest son was also on the lookout for wondrous things. By telling me about it, I was also allowed to take notice of the obvious and enjoy and wonder.

Sharing is caring

George was an Eighth Grade student of mine who would continuously blurt out this phase: "Sharing is caring." I’m not certain he knew the depth of what he was saying, but he’d use it as way to make sure other classmates would stop bickering about things such as who sat where or who had a better packed-lunch. Funnily enough, it would always work.

As a teacher I have adopted the phrase and I use it very much like George used it. Students sense when I’m about to say it and they repeat in chorus “Sharing is caring”. I first stared using the phrase when I accompanied 45 middle-schoolers on a one-week sports tour to the South of Chile. We shared a bus and got to see a side of each other that we didn’t expect to find. In the phrase, sharing is caring, we found a connection of complicity involving all the growth experiences that occurred during the trip. Repeating the phrase has turned into a reset button for mischief; if students snap at each other in class, the phrase acts like an equaliser.

A home we don´t use a reset button. The phrase is not necessary. It’s the principle behind sharing is caring that applies. This morning my youngest and my eldest were fighting over the television. They both wanted to watch, but each wanted a different show. My youngest is three years old and my eldest is ten. Initially, neither one was able to show empathy towards the other’s wants, but as each advocated for their right to choose which programming to watch, they started to become more flexible. In the end, they made a deal which involved designating times and channels. I didn’t have to do a thing! Sure, I was the mediator and the agreement was made in front of me, but they came up with the idea themselves.

I’m certain their agreement won’t last till tomorrow. However, the skill of creative problem solving is ingrained. The reason why my two boys were able to find a solution to their conflict is that they were both able to see that the other had a valid point. They were able to reach an agreement because they care. There was no choice but to share.

Perder es ganar

Mi hijo mayor comenzó su año escolar más bien tambaleando con sus calificaciones. Los altibajos que experimentó le hicieron desesperar y entrar en un espiral de angustia. Según él no había una promesa realista de un futuro cercano optimista; él sólo veía que se acercaba un periodo escolar oscuro y lleno de decepciones.

Uno de los temores más complejos de abordar para los padres aparece cuando los hijos se enfrentan al fracaso. A mi hijo no le correspondía saber que se puede salir de las dificultades pidiendo ayuda. Desde esa primera "adolescencia" infantil, cuando los niños muy pequeños se enfrentan a toda situación con la frase "Yo sólo", los niños creen que deben solucionar sus dificultades sin asistencia. El grito desesperado de "¡mamá!" o "¡papá!" aparece cuando ya no se sabe que hacer o cuando ya es demasiado tarde. En el caso de mi hijo, el grito de desesperación lo escuchó primero una profesora. Ella supo dar las pautas y presentar una noción nueva que permitió a mi hijo, al principio con algo de incredulidad, ver la luz al final del túnel.

Esta noción la conocemos los adultos y la utilizamos a diario, pero no tiene sentido para los niños hasta la adolescencia. Ante toda dificultad, nosotros nos preguntamos ¿qué vamos a hacer?, ¿cómo vamos a enfrentar esta situación?  Los planes y las estrategias son ideas foráneas para los niños ya que ellos no saben organizarse para el futuro. Hay que introducir estos conceptos en múltiples contextos de la vida de los niños como para que no les parezcan extraños y ellos puedan utilizar esos recursos.

Como he indicado anteriormente, para los niños los aprendizajes se dan en contexto y no es de esperar, conditio sine qua non, que ellos trasladen sus aprendizajes de un contexto a otro. Hace falta del ojo del adulto como para detectar lo que le ocurre a lo niños y ofrecer opciones. En palabras de otro educador: "Nuestra tarea consiste en crear condiciones favorables y en asegurar un ambiente positivo que estimule el desarrollo personal." Solucionar el problema debe ser, cada vez con mayor frecuencia, una tarea personal. Esto no se opone a pedir ayuda. La autonomía supone saber distinguir cuando uno está equipado para la acción independiente y cuando se requiere de ciertos apoyos.

El plan que la profesora le ofreció a mi hijo rindió sus frutos. Con algunos matices, mi hijo se pudo plantear una meta, seguir una pauta y utilizar estrategias específicas. Los resultados iniciales marcan una tendencia hacia un futuro menos austero en cuanto a logros, pero lo más relevante es que mi hijo siente la satisfacción del logro obtenido con esfuerzo, constancia y un plan acorde. Lo mejor que le pudo pasar es que le hubiese ido 'mal' al inicio del año. Perder es ganar.

Recordando a ""Hello Larry!" para recuperar el control, la responsabilidad y la confianza

Era el año 1980 y con mis hermanos veíamos la serie Hello Larry. Se trataba de un locutor de radio que era padre soltero de dos hijas adolescentes. En un episodio en particular, la hija mayor se escapaba de casa para estar con un cantante de rock. Durante ese episodio, el protagonista, Larry, estaba viendo televisión mientras esperaba que su hija mayor llegase a casa. El programa que estaba viendo era un sermón de medianoche que se titulaba ¿Sabes dónde están tus hijos?

Han pasado muchos años y la pregunta mantiene su vigencia. Como padres nos corresponde saber la respuesta a esta pregunta. Ojalá que la respuesta sea “Sí”, pero la realidad es que muchos padres no saben ni dónde están sus hijos ni mucho menos en qué están.

Con demasiada frecuencia he debido conversar con papás que habían creído que sus hijos e hijas estaban respondiendo apropiadamente al grado de independencia otorgado por ellos. Al darse cuenta de que los hijos comenten errores, a veces muy graves, cuando se les han otorgado ciertas libertades, los papás reaccionan en una primera instancia quitando privilegios. El problema está en que los que otorgaron libertades no son los hijos, sino los pares. Al quitarle beneficios, los niños y jóvenes interpretan que no hay confianza. En ocasiones esa interpretación es la correcta; en otras los padres no supieron enviar el mensaje correcto.

Es muy fácil de perturbar el delicado balance entre confianza y autonomía. La mayoría de las veces ese balance se perturba a causa de un factor olvidado; hay una diferencia entre independencia y autonomía al igual que la hay entre cortar el cordón umbilical y soltarle la mano a los hijos. A los padres les corresponde tener un riguroso control acerca de lo que ocurre con sus hijos. En parte ese control significa otorgarle a los niños y jóvenes grados de injerencia en la toma de decisiones. De ese modo, la participación permite que haya férreo control, pero un control compartido.

El verano pasado mi hijo mayor pidió ir a comprar al quiosco de la esquina solo. Él tenía dinero que había ahorrado y quería comprarse algunas golosinas. Le di permiso. La tentación de seguirlo y ver si es que cruzaba la calle correctamente, entre tantas otras cosas, era inmensa. Pero la verdad es que no era necesario seguirlo. Él había demostrado muchas veces que él sabía responder en forma autónoma. La clave está en dar permiso en forma gradual, primero en un ambiente controlado, dando espacio y tiempo para actuar con pequeños pasos hacia la autonomía, y luego en ambientes que ofrecen mayores desafíos.

Los papás que se cuestionan acerca de los grados de libertad que le han dado a sus hijos frecuentemente le han soltado la mano en alguna etapa de su desarrollo. Cortar el cordón es imperativo, pero no hay que soltar la mano. Los niños y jóvenes necesitan saber que hay alguien que tiene el control. En cada etapa de su desarrollo ellos necesitan confiar en que, cuando ellos se equivocan, cuentan con una red de seguridad que los sujetará, aplicará medidas y los pondrá nuevamente en marcha. Para hacer esto es necesario saber en dónde están los hijos y en qué están.

Knobs, buttons and finger tips

I guess a lot has already been said about computers, children, gaming, addiction and such. However, I don't think enough has been said, because I constantly get pulled into meetings with parents concerned about children not using hardware and software properly.

Children know how to use hardware better than adults. Much of the time, they're faster and more intuitive about using software also. However, where children fail to pass the test is at selecting proper ethical criteria for different situations. It's not that most children don't have a notion of what's right or wrong about computer usage; it's that they don't have the developmental stage to use computers and software innocuously.

There's a reason why you can't sign up for a Facebook account before the age of 13. I hate to admit it, but Piaget was right. Children don't really move into thinking about others until their teens. Sure, young boys and girls can learn about empathy, but not in abstract terms, always related to concrete situations.

So when a child is faced with the possibility of "killing" things on a screen, posting whatever he or she wants and having a permanent Internet connection, they really do not know what to do. So they copy what they see older children and adults doing, which is texting, emailing, talking and playing. Since they do not have any filters, they end up making mistakes. The adult world tends to label these mistakes as a moral issue, cataloguing children as lacking in values. Young children don't filter what they write because they don't have the skills to filter. The vast majority of children do not want to hurt anybody when they post things online.

I remember a few years back when a group of twelve-year-olds decided to block a classmate from Facebook. It was easy. On click and you're out. When confronted with the pain their classmate was feeling as a result of their actions, these children were sincerely ashamed, sad, but ready to remedy the situation. It took a concrete experience to learn to measure the consequences of their actions, but only in that specific context. Transferring knowledge and skills is not a given.

The accent should really be placed on how and when children have access to specific hardware and software. Access is the key. Children are not any different from when I was growing up. Instead of sending offensive messages, we’d make crank calls and ring on someone’s door and run away. Children have been accepting and ostracizing their peers in groups and clubs for ages; now it’s done online. When I was very young appliances had knobs on them. Gradually they began to have buttons. I remember in the late 80’s when my father bought a stereo system that was sensitive to touch… wow! A few decades ago, appliances and gadgets were for adults only, but now many young children have access to extemely expensive equipment. Does a ten-year-old need a mobile phone? We grant children access, but then we whine when children make a mess out of things.

It is essential to talk as parents and make firm and well-informed decisions and rules about access. An especially difficult, but very rewarding way to grant suitable access it to phase children into using gadgets and their apps. I fully recommend granting access to PC applications, including games, with a mix of educational and recreational content. Access to a PC can be monitored and granted in specific doses. At home we use Salfeld’s Child Control 2011, but there are countless utilities for child protection. My wife and I have eased our children into computer usage through safe games and apps. Our eldest son has now access to a touch-based MP4 player, but not to wireless networks. He has learned how to monitor his own use of devices and his younger siblings now have a peer model they can follow.

I’d be happy to discuss concrete hardware and software for specific ages.

The paradox of hailing for a bus

The barrier between becoming a responsible, autonomous child and holding on to the healthy anxiety that innocence brings to everyday personal growth experiences is quite broad, but can be easily considered as unimportant. I have often found that the incentive to continue to be and behave like a child is rigorously discouraged as a consequence of the expectations and wonderment of adults, especially when children have begun to display traces of mature behavior.

Parents sometimes say that they do not want their children to grow up, but they expect and demand them to do so. The idealized, almost dreamlike notion of childhood innocence that adults sometimes enjoy somehow manages to live in symbiosis with the personal beliefs of how mature a child of a certain age should be. When the parent of a middle-schooler bemoans that their seventh-grader didn’t show them a note that the teacher had sent four days ago (which meant that the parent and the teacher never got to meet) I always say “Great!” The coexistence of advanced, reflective, critical thinking, cooperative skills, lability of mood, and irresponsible behavior is at the essence of being a teenager.

Today my eldest son and I had to ride the bus home. We had left our car at the shop for fine-tuning. I gave him a bus card so that he could pass it in front of the magnetic band reader when he got on the bus. Now that I think of it, I remember that he was thrilled. He was being allowed to do one of those things that older boys do. My son held the card tightly in his hand, desperately trying not to show his anxiety as we waited at the bus stop. Every now and again my son stuck his neck out from the bus stop to see if a bus was coming. When a bus did come I told him to hail it, so that it would stop for us. He utterly refused, shrank behind me and begged me to do it in a mouse-like little voice. I noticed what I had done. So I hailed the bus and encouraged my son to place the bus card on the reader.

I had forgotten about the chasm between innocence and maturity. My son wanted to show how experienced he was, but the truth is that he wasn’t. Too quickly I had internalized his acceptance of responsibility as a sample of what all his behavior should be like. I had ambushed him, forcing him back to childhood. Sometimes the push into maturity takes a different turn and we end up dreading our children's access to knowledge and experiences we wish they did not have. While we were on the bus, my son asked if we could get off the bus before our stop. He told me that he wanted to walk with me a little longer. Of course, when we got off the bus he walked ahead of me, dying to get home so he could ride his bike.

Game crossing

During our latest trip to rural central Chile, our third son kept on asking about road signs. One particular sign caught his eye; Game Crossing. We had come across many signs, but this one appealed to him for some reason. Our second son seemed to like a signed that warned of falling rocks. Our eldest was only interested in signs that showed we were closer to our destination. Our youngest, the fourth, liked all the signs.
With four boys making references to all the road signs, there was no way I could miss any of them. Or so I thought. The one sign they hadn't mentioned was rather a crucial one. By the time I had caught on it was too late. There was an extra toll booth ahead and I hadn't anticipated that. We had already passed one toll booth on our way to Limache, but we had taken the mountain range route. This time we took the highway and there was a second toll booth. We didn't have enough cash for the toll. There was no electronic teller anywhere so we had to turn back to a town where we could get some cash for the toll.
Sometimes it doesn't matter what your kids are screaming at you. The signs might tell you something different.
When my wife called home from work one summer afternoon, she found herself talking to a terribly irate boy, our eldest son. He was completely out of his wits. He told my wife that he needed her to tell our third son off for peeing in the pool. My wife asked him to ask his brother to get out of the pool and come to speak on the phone. "No mom," our eldest said, "he's not in the pool and he didn't pee in the pool, he peed INTO the pool!" Our third son had gotten on top of a stool and peed directly into the pool. But, you see, we could have read that sign the wrong way.
Our third son was not misbehaving, at least from his perspective. He was protesting. He didn't have other resources for protesting, so he peed into the pool. His two elder brothers had been nagging and bothering him all day. So our third son did the only thing he thought would balance the scale; pee into the pool.
Signs are a tricky thing when it comes to children. I remember one eighth-grader who would continuously get sent to my office. In the end, after some talking, he admitted he liked the cookies I gave him when he went there. He would provoke his teachers whenever he got bored so that they might send him to my office; cookies and no more boring lessons.
Wouldn't it be easier if, once in a while, our children would simply hang a Game Crossing sign around their necks?

Forgiveness as the ultimate paradigm

One of the most difficult undertakings I’ve had to take on as a parent is the action of forgiving, not others, but myself. Without ever feeling the risk of being haughty, I always thought I’d do great as a dad. Initially, day-care specialists, doctors and other parents would look at my parenting skills with interest and sometimes with awe. In our matriarchal Chilean society, men are not expected to be good dads. Quite the opposite; the expectation is that we know nothing about children, let alone how to nurture them. So when this raised-abroad Chilean came into the parenting scene, in-laws and co-workers alike were amazed that I could hold a baby, cook, correct tests, speak on the phone, and iron, among other things, all at once.

During his early years, our eldest son seemed to be developing excellently well at day-care and then at school. When our second son came along a few things that had seemed to fit well in his daily life suddenly didn’t. Things had started to go sour at school. We had a few conflicts at home, mostly due to brotherly rivalry. My harsh parenting style wasn’t helping matters either. The more our eldest son acted-up, the stricter and sterner I became. I turned into a zero-tolerance dad, convinced that conflict had to be suppressed like a riot. Rules and regulations were the maxim of how I dealt with parenting. Norms dictated this and that.

By the time our third son had arrived, but before things got terribly worse, we decided to ask for help. However, our son was no longer a happy child. He saw the world as hostile and reacted accordingly. I had to throw out my self-created handbook on parenting and come to the realisation that I was, if not completely, part of the problem. Our goal was to provide our son with a kinder view of the world. This meant that he had to see the world as a kind and gentle place, if not primarily through my actions, at least also through them.

For the better part of two and a half years we learned to change our perspectives, strategies and techniques so as to do exactly what we set out to do. We had many set backs, but we mostly moved in the right direction. Part of what I had to do was to learn to forgive myself. Since I was not the centre, it was our son who was, there was no place for self-reproach. Forgiving myself had an unexpected healing power. The reduced sense of remorse allowed me to concentrate on being kind. It’s completely possible to be firm and kind at the same time. It’s completely possible to enforce rules without losing the gentle, tender, loving touch that parents are meant to be known for and that children desperately need.

Forgiveness is the model for dialogue and understanding. Letting go opens up the mind and the soul to listening and being aware of others and their needs. Forgiveness, of oneself and of others, allows us to focus on the task at hand. As a co-worker keeps on telling me “Let’s move on.” Forgiveness allows us to stop dwelling on the past and to embrace what lies ahead.

As a parent and an educator this notion has lead me to build a close relationship with middle-schoolers. When a child is able to experience true forgiveness, they know they can make mistakes and learn from them. When a child is allowed to see his stumbling blocks as a stepping-stone for a better relationship with the world, they might also learn forgive and let go of what might have been keeping them at bay.

How to hug a porcupine

I'd been wondering where to get access to a more research-based, but still user-friendly text on kids starting out in their teens. I came across How to Hug a Porcupine by Julie Ross. It's not the average easy text with simple, light answers to the tough question. If you want to start to get to the heart of the matter of the early teens and how to navigate along-side your child, try this text out for size.
http://www.bookdepository.co.uk/How-Hug-Porcupine-Negotiating-Prickly-Points-Tween-Years-Ross-Julie/9787770654503

Allowances

For the past two years we've been quite careless about giving our eldest son his allowance. By that I mean that we keep on forgetting to give him his allowance on the assigned day. As a result, our son has begun to lose heart, thinking,now, that an allowance might not be something worth expecting. Whatever trust he might have had that we're going to keep our word about giving him an allowance is clearly diminished.
It also seems we're giving our son an insufficient amount of money. I'm convinced it's not a good idea to give a 10-year-old a lot of money. Something tells me that my son hasn't developed the necessary perseverance to keep extensive amounts of money for a long time with a specific purpose in mind. From experience I can say that fifth graders are still very concrete in their thinking. Long-term planning is a skill they begin to develop in Elementary School, but it's not a generally an acquired ability till the end of Middle School.
We've had to study the situation with a bit more detail; what other kids get, the level of tolerance to frustration of our child, his ability for long-term planning and our own capacity to be rigorous were just some of the factors at play.
From just briefly browsing on the net, there seems to be a general consensus that giving an allowance is a sound educational tool. Some parents give an allowance based on their child doing chores around the house. Others assign an allowance based on grades and good behavior. I give my eldest son an allowance whether he behaves or not, whether he gets good grades or not and whether he does chores or not. Getting grades at the level of his abilities, behaving well, and doing age-appropriate chores are expectations that emanate from being part of our family.
We've come to the agreement with our son that we'll give him an allowance on a specific day of the week, that he'll remind us and that the allowance is for a specific goal. If he wants more money than that of his allowance, he's going to have to do extra things to earn it. Yesterday he offered to rake the neighbor's front yard. There's nothing better than the sense of satisfaction that comes from a reward for work.