When I was growing up, my dad would take my brothers and I to the neighborhood barber shop. My earliest memories of things we'd do only as the 'men' in the family was precisely walking to the barber's. I even remember how dad would make us run in front of him and back so as to fight the cold on our way to the shop. It's my turn now and I get to take my children to the barber.
Don Eduardo has a part barber shop, part hair salon close to our house. I don't always take all four boys at once (divide to conquer), but I sometimes do. He knows the kinks, quirks and bumps of all the boys' heads. He most of all knows their temperament. When we go to the shop, he greets each boy by name. He talks to each boy in just the right way to connect with each one. When he cuts their hair they know he's paying attention just to them. Going to the barber shop is like going home.
Don Eduardo is so good with the boys from the families he receives that the moms take their girls too. Yesterday he offered a mom to have his female hair dresser cut her two girls' hair: "No, I want YOU to cut it". I've tried other shops and other barbers, but with don Eduard I can sit back and enjoy the ride. Sure, some of my boys go to the shop kicking and screaming, but when they're there, they laugh, tell stories and run around and outside the shop.
As a Principal I talk to many parents who don't know how they lost control of what has been happening in their child's life. Quite a few parents have let things happen to their children and have turned a blind eye to things their kids are involved in. When you have a vision of what you want for your children, it's things like where they get their hair cut and who actually cuts it that can help you achieve that vision.
In Chile we have a saying: it's not the pig's fault; it's who provides the slop. The notion that adults or authority figures are responsible for whatever can happen doesn't always have a negative side; allowing things to happen can have a good side when you make good choices about what you permit.
2 comments:
Love it. Pasha has the same experience with Rosie the stylist down the street. She has been cutting his hair since he was born. Almost 5 years now. At what point do parents lose control? What is losing control? What are the signs that indicate you lose control over your chile? What age does it happen?
Ana
Losing control is about everything and more of what John Hughes' films would warn us about. Remember The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, and Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Remember how the parents were either non-existant or completely cut-off from the interests, concerns, and activities of their children?
Parents can lose control from day one. You've probably seen or heard of families where the authority figure is the child; the child wants and the child gets, the child mandates and the parents obey. Who's in charge?
Even as a parent I need to know that there is someone out there with answers and that I can count on. Similarly, children need the omnipresent, omnipotent idea of a parent, in either a traditional or non-traditional family setting, who is their pillar of strength. When a child receives the message that they're in charge of any and all their choices, they also quickly understand that they have no safety net.
Control is not about being an authoritarian figure and having a grip on every sight and every sound; it's about providing the backdrop for healthy development under the umbrella of what your family stands for.
The exercise of creating a family mission and vision statement can bring about interesting experiences in parents. Some of the families I work with end up discovering that they had envisioned a family that completely different from what they had produced. The actions, permission, relational styles and even the vocabulary they promoted within their household went in direct opposition to their vision.
When you're clear on what you want for your children and how you expect to go about getting it, it's very difficult to lose control. The cliché of having a sign over your fireplace with a few words that describe what a specific family may cherish is a cultural emblem, whether we have that sort of thing at home or not, because it represents a way of facilitating that a family reach their goal. At school, right over the stage, we'd have a very interesting message, "Semper Ardens". The message symbolizes what the school hopes for its students.
Post a Comment