I've often given parents the advice to make sure the rules of the road are clear. There is a tendency for teens to adhere to norms that are clearly set, based on the notion that when expectations are high, there's an also high probability of those standards being met. When expectations are low or very few standards are set, the tendency of teens is to believe that the sky's the limit and that there are no holds bared.
Now that it's my turn to be parent to a teen, I simply have to admit that all my advice is easier said than done. Keeping my cool, making sure I'm available for a discussion rather than a lecture, honestly expecting the best when I'm really dreading the worst, are all painstaking tasks. I have to constantly remind myself that it doesn't really matter how I was at that age, this is a different human being.
My eldest son is trying to find his place in the universe. One way he's found to try himself on for size is through music. At school he was given the chance to try out playing bass. He stuck with the bass for longer than we expected, so we bought him his own bass. He's been fiddling with it all vacation long and has shown amazing determination. Of course, his impulsivity gets the best of him after a while, but it has become a great outlet.
Teens need the space to be alone or with peers, away from the scrutiny of adults and younger siblings. The bass seems to be that space for our eldest son. It's his own world and nobody else's. Yesterday he and I had a major disagreement. He immediately resorted to trying to be alone, but also to playing his bass. Much better than storming out of the house to god knows where and to do god knows what! That basic need to find a vehicle to channel our frustrations that we adults value so much is no less important to a teen. It's perhaps even more important for a teen. It's the difference between being lost or attempting to achieve a valuable goal. It's the difference between taking any risk or taking a calculated one.
When talking to audiences in his series for university students, "Sessions", Billy Joel often refers to his high school classmates who "peaked too early" in life. Comparing them to caved in ashtrays, he makes the comment about the effects of looking for and finding notoriety and not knowing what to do with it or not knowing how to move on within that notoriety. At times, for teens and pre-teens the spotlight is too difficult a place to move away from and they will sometimes neglect their values in order to step into it. When self-control is not available, parents need to be their children's handbrake. Nevertheless, sometimes teens will surprise us by undertaking a task as a means for self-control and maybe, just maybe they'll achieve something great as a result.
