Todo tiene su momento oportuno

"Papá, ya me cansé de que mis hermanos me peguen, se lancen encima mío y se rían de mi," me explica mi hijo mayor. Es el turno de los dos hermanos del medio. Atormentan a su hermano mayor con eximia pericia. Claro, su posgrado lo obtuvieron a manos de su hermano y hoy se lo agradecen de una manera muy particular. Ellos saben que él ha incorporado a sus creencias que no les puede devolver la mano, por lo que despliegan sus mejores destrezas de trabajo colaborativo para sacarlo de quicio.
La rivalidad fraterna no es una novedad y no hay, necesariamente, una estrategia infalible para remediar la hostilidad entre los hermanos. La verdad es que lo que permite superar las dificultades más complejas es el tiempo. Si bien puede parecer poco esperanzador, esperar es, en gran parte, lo que se debe hacer. Lo que permite que el tiempo haga su efecto es la llegada de la pre-adolescencia. Si uno ha sembrado con los hijos en cuanto a la valoración del otro, la incipiente capacidad del pre-adolescente de medir los efectos de lo que hace y de identificar las posibles ramificaciones de lo que cultiva en sus relaciones interpersonales permite que su interés por el bienestar de los hermanos pueda aflorar.
Durante años la rivalidad entre nuestros dos hijos mayores nos trajo mucha preocupación. Las intervenciones únicamente sirvieron para reaccionar a situaciones concretas. Por mucho tiempo no encontrábamos que hubiese avances sustanciales en la relación entre ambos hermanos. El origen de los problemas era que el mayor resentía que el otro le hubiese arrebatado la condición de hijo único. A pesar de que el cariño entre ambos era evidente, sufrían al no llevarse bien.
Con el tiempo la distancia en edad se hizo más notoria. De a poco el mayor pudo darse cuenta que ser el mayor, además de las exigencias, le proponía un acceso a privilegios. Nuestro segundo hijo también comenzó a tener intereses propios más marcados, por lo que involucrarse en lo que estaba haciendo su hermano mayor ya no era tan atractivo. El crecimiento personal de ambos y su cariño por el otro permite que hoy no haya una rivalidad marcada por el resentimiento. Persisten rivalidades pequeñas, pero los hermanos han encontrado la manera de resolver sus diferencias. Además, saben que tienen adultos mediadores a los que pueden recurrir.
Mi hijo mayor ya no se interesa por las dificultades de sus hermanos con el fin de meter el dedo en la llaga, como lo hacía antes. Sus hermanos se dan cuenta de eso y se sienten apoyados cuando su hermano se acerca y les hace cariño. Todo tiene su momento oportuno.

The Emperor's New Clothes

I went to pick the car up from the shop where I had left it for fine-tuning. My youngest and my eldest asked to accompany me, so they came along. As we were walking towards the bus stop my youngest pointed out something obvious, but which I had neglected to notice: "Look! A naked tree!" It's Autumn in Chile. The leaves are mostly gone from the plum trees that line the street that leads to Vitacura Ave., the closest street with a bus line passing through.

Children say the darndest things. They're so casual about pointing that which we probably should have taken notice of. My eldest son, in a soft, older brother voice, quickly corrected him and patiently explained about the seasons, how now it's Autumn, and that leaves fall. "I know, but look, it's naked."

It's not that young children don't understand complex concepts. In fact, if we choose to refrain from underestimating them, more times than not, they surprise us with the level of sophistication of their understanding. The diference between my two sons is that my eldest has lost the wonderment for things such as the seasons.

As we rode the on the bus my youngest son continued to say "Oh!" at every thing that caught his eye. It became a game later for his elder brother. He would say to me, "I bet he's going to say 'oh' again." He guessed every time. When we passed by a cage filled with canaries he said, "He's going to say 'oh' again." Surely enough, it happened. By anticipating what his brother's reaction would be, my eldest son was also on the lookout for wondrous things. By telling me about it, I was also allowed to take notice of the obvious and enjoy and wonder.

Sharing is caring

George was an Eighth Grade student of mine who would continuously blurt out this phase: "Sharing is caring." I’m not certain he knew the depth of what he was saying, but he’d use it as way to make sure other classmates would stop bickering about things such as who sat where or who had a better packed-lunch. Funnily enough, it would always work.

As a teacher I have adopted the phrase and I use it very much like George used it. Students sense when I’m about to say it and they repeat in chorus “Sharing is caring”. I first stared using the phrase when I accompanied 45 middle-schoolers on a one-week sports tour to the South of Chile. We shared a bus and got to see a side of each other that we didn’t expect to find. In the phrase, sharing is caring, we found a connection of complicity involving all the growth experiences that occurred during the trip. Repeating the phrase has turned into a reset button for mischief; if students snap at each other in class, the phrase acts like an equaliser.

A home we don´t use a reset button. The phrase is not necessary. It’s the principle behind sharing is caring that applies. This morning my youngest and my eldest were fighting over the television. They both wanted to watch, but each wanted a different show. My youngest is three years old and my eldest is ten. Initially, neither one was able to show empathy towards the other’s wants, but as each advocated for their right to choose which programming to watch, they started to become more flexible. In the end, they made a deal which involved designating times and channels. I didn’t have to do a thing! Sure, I was the mediator and the agreement was made in front of me, but they came up with the idea themselves.

I’m certain their agreement won’t last till tomorrow. However, the skill of creative problem solving is ingrained. The reason why my two boys were able to find a solution to their conflict is that they were both able to see that the other had a valid point. They were able to reach an agreement because they care. There was no choice but to share.

Perder es ganar

Mi hijo mayor comenzó su año escolar más bien tambaleando con sus calificaciones. Los altibajos que experimentó le hicieron desesperar y entrar en un espiral de angustia. Según él no había una promesa realista de un futuro cercano optimista; él sólo veía que se acercaba un periodo escolar oscuro y lleno de decepciones.

Uno de los temores más complejos de abordar para los padres aparece cuando los hijos se enfrentan al fracaso. A mi hijo no le correspondía saber que se puede salir de las dificultades pidiendo ayuda. Desde esa primera "adolescencia" infantil, cuando los niños muy pequeños se enfrentan a toda situación con la frase "Yo sólo", los niños creen que deben solucionar sus dificultades sin asistencia. El grito desesperado de "¡mamá!" o "¡papá!" aparece cuando ya no se sabe que hacer o cuando ya es demasiado tarde. En el caso de mi hijo, el grito de desesperación lo escuchó primero una profesora. Ella supo dar las pautas y presentar una noción nueva que permitió a mi hijo, al principio con algo de incredulidad, ver la luz al final del túnel.

Esta noción la conocemos los adultos y la utilizamos a diario, pero no tiene sentido para los niños hasta la adolescencia. Ante toda dificultad, nosotros nos preguntamos ¿qué vamos a hacer?, ¿cómo vamos a enfrentar esta situación?  Los planes y las estrategias son ideas foráneas para los niños ya que ellos no saben organizarse para el futuro. Hay que introducir estos conceptos en múltiples contextos de la vida de los niños como para que no les parezcan extraños y ellos puedan utilizar esos recursos.

Como he indicado anteriormente, para los niños los aprendizajes se dan en contexto y no es de esperar, conditio sine qua non, que ellos trasladen sus aprendizajes de un contexto a otro. Hace falta del ojo del adulto como para detectar lo que le ocurre a lo niños y ofrecer opciones. En palabras de otro educador: "Nuestra tarea consiste en crear condiciones favorables y en asegurar un ambiente positivo que estimule el desarrollo personal." Solucionar el problema debe ser, cada vez con mayor frecuencia, una tarea personal. Esto no se opone a pedir ayuda. La autonomía supone saber distinguir cuando uno está equipado para la acción independiente y cuando se requiere de ciertos apoyos.

El plan que la profesora le ofreció a mi hijo rindió sus frutos. Con algunos matices, mi hijo se pudo plantear una meta, seguir una pauta y utilizar estrategias específicas. Los resultados iniciales marcan una tendencia hacia un futuro menos austero en cuanto a logros, pero lo más relevante es que mi hijo siente la satisfacción del logro obtenido con esfuerzo, constancia y un plan acorde. Lo mejor que le pudo pasar es que le hubiese ido 'mal' al inicio del año. Perder es ganar.

Recordando a ""Hello Larry!" para recuperar el control, la responsabilidad y la confianza

Era el año 1980 y con mis hermanos veíamos la serie Hello Larry. Se trataba de un locutor de radio que era padre soltero de dos hijas adolescentes. En un episodio en particular, la hija mayor se escapaba de casa para estar con un cantante de rock. Durante ese episodio, el protagonista, Larry, estaba viendo televisión mientras esperaba que su hija mayor llegase a casa. El programa que estaba viendo era un sermón de medianoche que se titulaba ¿Sabes dónde están tus hijos?

Han pasado muchos años y la pregunta mantiene su vigencia. Como padres nos corresponde saber la respuesta a esta pregunta. Ojalá que la respuesta sea “Sí”, pero la realidad es que muchos padres no saben ni dónde están sus hijos ni mucho menos en qué están.

Con demasiada frecuencia he debido conversar con papás que habían creído que sus hijos e hijas estaban respondiendo apropiadamente al grado de independencia otorgado por ellos. Al darse cuenta de que los hijos comenten errores, a veces muy graves, cuando se les han otorgado ciertas libertades, los papás reaccionan en una primera instancia quitando privilegios. El problema está en que los que otorgaron libertades no son los hijos, sino los pares. Al quitarle beneficios, los niños y jóvenes interpretan que no hay confianza. En ocasiones esa interpretación es la correcta; en otras los padres no supieron enviar el mensaje correcto.

Es muy fácil de perturbar el delicado balance entre confianza y autonomía. La mayoría de las veces ese balance se perturba a causa de un factor olvidado; hay una diferencia entre independencia y autonomía al igual que la hay entre cortar el cordón umbilical y soltarle la mano a los hijos. A los padres les corresponde tener un riguroso control acerca de lo que ocurre con sus hijos. En parte ese control significa otorgarle a los niños y jóvenes grados de injerencia en la toma de decisiones. De ese modo, la participación permite que haya férreo control, pero un control compartido.

El verano pasado mi hijo mayor pidió ir a comprar al quiosco de la esquina solo. Él tenía dinero que había ahorrado y quería comprarse algunas golosinas. Le di permiso. La tentación de seguirlo y ver si es que cruzaba la calle correctamente, entre tantas otras cosas, era inmensa. Pero la verdad es que no era necesario seguirlo. Él había demostrado muchas veces que él sabía responder en forma autónoma. La clave está en dar permiso en forma gradual, primero en un ambiente controlado, dando espacio y tiempo para actuar con pequeños pasos hacia la autonomía, y luego en ambientes que ofrecen mayores desafíos.

Los papás que se cuestionan acerca de los grados de libertad que le han dado a sus hijos frecuentemente le han soltado la mano en alguna etapa de su desarrollo. Cortar el cordón es imperativo, pero no hay que soltar la mano. Los niños y jóvenes necesitan saber que hay alguien que tiene el control. En cada etapa de su desarrollo ellos necesitan confiar en que, cuando ellos se equivocan, cuentan con una red de seguridad que los sujetará, aplicará medidas y los pondrá nuevamente en marcha. Para hacer esto es necesario saber en dónde están los hijos y en qué están.

Knobs, buttons and finger tips

I guess a lot has already been said about computers, children, gaming, addiction and such. However, I don't think enough has been said, because I constantly get pulled into meetings with parents concerned about children not using hardware and software properly.

Children know how to use hardware better than adults. Much of the time, they're faster and more intuitive about using software also. However, where children fail to pass the test is at selecting proper ethical criteria for different situations. It's not that most children don't have a notion of what's right or wrong about computer usage; it's that they don't have the developmental stage to use computers and software innocuously.

There's a reason why you can't sign up for a Facebook account before the age of 13. I hate to admit it, but Piaget was right. Children don't really move into thinking about others until their teens. Sure, young boys and girls can learn about empathy, but not in abstract terms, always related to concrete situations.

So when a child is faced with the possibility of "killing" things on a screen, posting whatever he or she wants and having a permanent Internet connection, they really do not know what to do. So they copy what they see older children and adults doing, which is texting, emailing, talking and playing. Since they do not have any filters, they end up making mistakes. The adult world tends to label these mistakes as a moral issue, cataloguing children as lacking in values. Young children don't filter what they write because they don't have the skills to filter. The vast majority of children do not want to hurt anybody when they post things online.

I remember a few years back when a group of twelve-year-olds decided to block a classmate from Facebook. It was easy. On click and you're out. When confronted with the pain their classmate was feeling as a result of their actions, these children were sincerely ashamed, sad, but ready to remedy the situation. It took a concrete experience to learn to measure the consequences of their actions, but only in that specific context. Transferring knowledge and skills is not a given.

The accent should really be placed on how and when children have access to specific hardware and software. Access is the key. Children are not any different from when I was growing up. Instead of sending offensive messages, we’d make crank calls and ring on someone’s door and run away. Children have been accepting and ostracizing their peers in groups and clubs for ages; now it’s done online. When I was very young appliances had knobs on them. Gradually they began to have buttons. I remember in the late 80’s when my father bought a stereo system that was sensitive to touch… wow! A few decades ago, appliances and gadgets were for adults only, but now many young children have access to extemely expensive equipment. Does a ten-year-old need a mobile phone? We grant children access, but then we whine when children make a mess out of things.

It is essential to talk as parents and make firm and well-informed decisions and rules about access. An especially difficult, but very rewarding way to grant suitable access it to phase children into using gadgets and their apps. I fully recommend granting access to PC applications, including games, with a mix of educational and recreational content. Access to a PC can be monitored and granted in specific doses. At home we use Salfeld’s Child Control 2011, but there are countless utilities for child protection. My wife and I have eased our children into computer usage through safe games and apps. Our eldest son has now access to a touch-based MP4 player, but not to wireless networks. He has learned how to monitor his own use of devices and his younger siblings now have a peer model they can follow.

I’d be happy to discuss concrete hardware and software for specific ages.

The paradox of hailing for a bus

The barrier between becoming a responsible, autonomous child and holding on to the healthy anxiety that innocence brings to everyday personal growth experiences is quite broad, but can be easily considered as unimportant. I have often found that the incentive to continue to be and behave like a child is rigorously discouraged as a consequence of the expectations and wonderment of adults, especially when children have begun to display traces of mature behavior.

Parents sometimes say that they do not want their children to grow up, but they expect and demand them to do so. The idealized, almost dreamlike notion of childhood innocence that adults sometimes enjoy somehow manages to live in symbiosis with the personal beliefs of how mature a child of a certain age should be. When the parent of a middle-schooler bemoans that their seventh-grader didn’t show them a note that the teacher had sent four days ago (which meant that the parent and the teacher never got to meet) I always say “Great!” The coexistence of advanced, reflective, critical thinking, cooperative skills, lability of mood, and irresponsible behavior is at the essence of being a teenager.

Today my eldest son and I had to ride the bus home. We had left our car at the shop for fine-tuning. I gave him a bus card so that he could pass it in front of the magnetic band reader when he got on the bus. Now that I think of it, I remember that he was thrilled. He was being allowed to do one of those things that older boys do. My son held the card tightly in his hand, desperately trying not to show his anxiety as we waited at the bus stop. Every now and again my son stuck his neck out from the bus stop to see if a bus was coming. When a bus did come I told him to hail it, so that it would stop for us. He utterly refused, shrank behind me and begged me to do it in a mouse-like little voice. I noticed what I had done. So I hailed the bus and encouraged my son to place the bus card on the reader.

I had forgotten about the chasm between innocence and maturity. My son wanted to show how experienced he was, but the truth is that he wasn’t. Too quickly I had internalized his acceptance of responsibility as a sample of what all his behavior should be like. I had ambushed him, forcing him back to childhood. Sometimes the push into maturity takes a different turn and we end up dreading our children's access to knowledge and experiences we wish they did not have. While we were on the bus, my son asked if we could get off the bus before our stop. He told me that he wanted to walk with me a little longer. Of course, when we got off the bus he walked ahead of me, dying to get home so he could ride his bike.

Game crossing

During our latest trip to rural central Chile, our third son kept on asking about road signs. One particular sign caught his eye; Game Crossing. We had come across many signs, but this one appealed to him for some reason. Our second son seemed to like a signed that warned of falling rocks. Our eldest was only interested in signs that showed we were closer to our destination. Our youngest, the fourth, liked all the signs.
With four boys making references to all the road signs, there was no way I could miss any of them. Or so I thought. The one sign they hadn't mentioned was rather a crucial one. By the time I had caught on it was too late. There was an extra toll booth ahead and I hadn't anticipated that. We had already passed one toll booth on our way to Limache, but we had taken the mountain range route. This time we took the highway and there was a second toll booth. We didn't have enough cash for the toll. There was no electronic teller anywhere so we had to turn back to a town where we could get some cash for the toll.
Sometimes it doesn't matter what your kids are screaming at you. The signs might tell you something different.
When my wife called home from work one summer afternoon, she found herself talking to a terribly irate boy, our eldest son. He was completely out of his wits. He told my wife that he needed her to tell our third son off for peeing in the pool. My wife asked him to ask his brother to get out of the pool and come to speak on the phone. "No mom," our eldest said, "he's not in the pool and he didn't pee in the pool, he peed INTO the pool!" Our third son had gotten on top of a stool and peed directly into the pool. But, you see, we could have read that sign the wrong way.
Our third son was not misbehaving, at least from his perspective. He was protesting. He didn't have other resources for protesting, so he peed into the pool. His two elder brothers had been nagging and bothering him all day. So our third son did the only thing he thought would balance the scale; pee into the pool.
Signs are a tricky thing when it comes to children. I remember one eighth-grader who would continuously get sent to my office. In the end, after some talking, he admitted he liked the cookies I gave him when he went there. He would provoke his teachers whenever he got bored so that they might send him to my office; cookies and no more boring lessons.
Wouldn't it be easier if, once in a while, our children would simply hang a Game Crossing sign around their necks?

Forgiveness as the ultimate paradigm

One of the most difficult undertakings I’ve had to take on as a parent is the action of forgiving, not others, but myself. Without ever feeling the risk of being haughty, I always thought I’d do great as a dad. Initially, day-care specialists, doctors and other parents would look at my parenting skills with interest and sometimes with awe. In our matriarchal Chilean society, men are not expected to be good dads. Quite the opposite; the expectation is that we know nothing about children, let alone how to nurture them. So when this raised-abroad Chilean came into the parenting scene, in-laws and co-workers alike were amazed that I could hold a baby, cook, correct tests, speak on the phone, and iron, among other things, all at once.

During his early years, our eldest son seemed to be developing excellently well at day-care and then at school. When our second son came along a few things that had seemed to fit well in his daily life suddenly didn’t. Things had started to go sour at school. We had a few conflicts at home, mostly due to brotherly rivalry. My harsh parenting style wasn’t helping matters either. The more our eldest son acted-up, the stricter and sterner I became. I turned into a zero-tolerance dad, convinced that conflict had to be suppressed like a riot. Rules and regulations were the maxim of how I dealt with parenting. Norms dictated this and that.

By the time our third son had arrived, but before things got terribly worse, we decided to ask for help. However, our son was no longer a happy child. He saw the world as hostile and reacted accordingly. I had to throw out my self-created handbook on parenting and come to the realisation that I was, if not completely, part of the problem. Our goal was to provide our son with a kinder view of the world. This meant that he had to see the world as a kind and gentle place, if not primarily through my actions, at least also through them.

For the better part of two and a half years we learned to change our perspectives, strategies and techniques so as to do exactly what we set out to do. We had many set backs, but we mostly moved in the right direction. Part of what I had to do was to learn to forgive myself. Since I was not the centre, it was our son who was, there was no place for self-reproach. Forgiving myself had an unexpected healing power. The reduced sense of remorse allowed me to concentrate on being kind. It’s completely possible to be firm and kind at the same time. It’s completely possible to enforce rules without losing the gentle, tender, loving touch that parents are meant to be known for and that children desperately need.

Forgiveness is the model for dialogue and understanding. Letting go opens up the mind and the soul to listening and being aware of others and their needs. Forgiveness, of oneself and of others, allows us to focus on the task at hand. As a co-worker keeps on telling me “Let’s move on.” Forgiveness allows us to stop dwelling on the past and to embrace what lies ahead.

As a parent and an educator this notion has lead me to build a close relationship with middle-schoolers. When a child is able to experience true forgiveness, they know they can make mistakes and learn from them. When a child is allowed to see his stumbling blocks as a stepping-stone for a better relationship with the world, they might also learn forgive and let go of what might have been keeping them at bay.

How to hug a porcupine

I'd been wondering where to get access to a more research-based, but still user-friendly text on kids starting out in their teens. I came across How to Hug a Porcupine by Julie Ross. It's not the average easy text with simple, light answers to the tough question. If you want to start to get to the heart of the matter of the early teens and how to navigate along-side your child, try this text out for size.
http://www.bookdepository.co.uk/How-Hug-Porcupine-Negotiating-Prickly-Points-Tween-Years-Ross-Julie/9787770654503