Since there's no recipe, I'll simply pass on my experience. I must say that I'll be speaking as a parent and teacher, though I'm not sure there's a difference.
A recent story:
Early this week I pulled a student into my to my office. I had told him that what he was wearing wasn't part of our school uniform. He answered something back in a very aggressive, confrontational tone. So, I let him have an earful about respect and bla, bla, bla. Half way through my speech he began to cry. He told me his parents are never around and that his teachers always nag him because he doesn't bring this and that to school (the latest item was a mouth guard for rugby, which his parents, who were on a cruise, had failed to buy for him, just like the school sweater he wasn't wearing). So I listened and let him open up. He wasn't really being disrespectful, he was behaving the way he had been allowed to behave whenever or if ever his parents were around. We agreed to always respect each other and I gave him a school sweater from the lost and found and offered to have a brand new mouth guard for him the following day. Boy how he smiled! We shook on it and he now smiles and waves at me whenever he sees me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that behind each behaviour there is a reason. Our job is to find out what that is and take necessary action. That boy needed an authority to talk to him about respect and also feel respected. He also needed a dad to talk to. He also needed help to solve a problem. He had learned that one solution was to be aggressive and perhaps he'd be left alone.
If your kid is demanding a lot from you, find the source. It's probably something simple, like sleep habits, and isn't some syndrome with a fancy name. (I say this because today a doctor told my nanny that her daughter had acute diarrheic syndrome. She got scared, of course. It's just diarrhoea. My nanny was relieved when the prescription said the same thing my wife had told her before going the the paediatrician). I've written a few things about sleep before, hope it helps.
In relation to being well spirited and positive, one thing I'll say is this;
Kindness begets kindness, so fight anxiety and noise with tenderness and soft, quiet, loving care. I didn't get that till later as a teacher. So I used to raise my voice. Now I lower my voice and kids react.
Alejandro Jodorowsky is a Chilean-French filmmaker who (roughly translated) says this:
If a child lives in criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives in hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives in ridicule, he learns to be ashamed.
If a child lives in suspicion, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives in tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives in recognition, he learns to value.
If a child lives in loyalty, he learns about justice.
If a child lives in approval, he learns to love himself.
If a child lives in friendship, he learns to see love in the world
If your kids drive you up the wall, they most probably perceive that. I went through years of sending the wrong message and hurt my eldest a lot. I had to go through a rough/tough process to reprogram myself. It was hard work. It was painful. I had to learn to forgive myself and recognise my faults (but also my strengths). Today my eldest is a healthy, caring 12-year-old. He and I have a stretch of road to go still, but the light at the end of the tunnel is not only visible, it's blinding.
If you have doubts, keep asking, maybe write and keep a journal. Thinking and reflecting is a good tool ( I used to think it was for touchy-feely people only). In the process you might hear yourself or others or read something that might make sense.
My wife says divide and conquer is also necessary. Each child deserves to be an individual with each parent. You can switch regularly between kids amongst yourselves and get to know them as individuals. The one who cries less and is more mellow also has needs and wants.
The quiet child, in my experience, may live a life of quiet desperation and end up resenting the attention that siblings receive.
No comments:
Post a Comment