Building bonds through rituals

Our third son has been complaining about mosquito bites. "Why do they always bite me and never my brothers?" he asked. We told him that mosquitos choose the sweetest kids. He gave us a look of skepticism, exclaimed, "I don't believe you!" and left. A few minutes later he returned and asked, "Really?". Something well ingrained in his head reminded him that mom and dad are meant to be trusted.

My wife has been reading The Little Prince to the boys as a bed-time story. For me it has been an interesting journey. We've always read to the boys, but this has been a new experience for me. I've had to hear The Little Prince told with a voice that is not my own internal voice. I'm listening to this particular reading of The Little Prince through my wife's vision. We both read it as children and when we were older. Now I've been allowed to interpret the text from the perspective of parenthood. I had always contemplated it in relation to building bonds of friendship.

Building bonds with our kids is an interesting byproduct of creating a relationship with trust at its core. I say it's a byproduct, because I don't see my role as a parent as primarily having to build a bond with my children, but mostly as having to provide a safe environment for them to grow in so they can find their own internal voice. By creating a relationship with trust at its center two things happen; the child feels acknowledged as an individual and he feels respected as a person. This I learned only recently as part of my job as an educator.

To create a bond, The Little Prince's fox offers a simple yet daunting solution: "One must observe the proper rites . . ." Rites and rituals give parents and children alike the opportunity to bond and create memories together. The phrase "Remember when...", needs content, and the rituals we create for our families are exactly that, the content for memories. The summertime, vacations, going downtown with mom or dad, going for a walk, watering the garden, setting the table and then dining together, or reading together can all be opportunities to create memories that children will cherish and be grateful for. These rites are the substance that will make up the experiences of our children, as opposed to living vicariously through a television program. Rites have every possibility of being the essential ingredient to raising children. Children learn through experience and it's our job to provide, if not the experiences themselves, at least the backdrop for them.

The logic behind this reasoning is centered around contol and safety. If we don't control what shapes the child, we can't provide safety. If we can't provide safety, then we've done little as parents, no matter what endevours we've undertaken. Choose a ritual, give it a name, a shape and a time. As a result you will have bonded with you child and, best of all, you will have added yet another strand to your child's safety net.