Emergency friends

Today at lunch we were talking about how each of our sons spends their recess. Our second son was concerned that some of his friends were playing a dangerous game he didn't want to play, so he didn't always know what to do during recess. At that point our third son interjected with, "In case I don't find my friends at recess, I have emergency friends I can play with".
I get to see so many different recess experiences everyday; boys who are just hanging out, kids who have the time of their lives, girls who face ostracism, games of foosball and chess, kids reading, kids talking, groups playing instruments, others studying. Every recess experience is a new world, sometimes a brave one, sometimes a meaningless one.
For some kids, going to recess is a moment to face their worst fears. Will I have someone to play with? It just terrifies them. For others, recess is the center of the universe. I have students who show up to school just to be able to be there at recess; there they're the focus of attention and they hold their own. At recess is where they shine.
Maybe our third son is right; you need to have a backup plan for recess. I read somewhere that you'll always be the person you were when you graduated high school. So if at school someone wasn't able to figure out how to fit in or invite others to join them, maybe they never will. A backup plan could just be the answer; plan for when what usually works doesn't. But, how do you teach that? How do you put that into a kid's firmware?

Never again, not here, not anywhere

Pain and suffering are inevitably part of life. Harsh, but true. From scraped knees to heartbreak from unrequited love, pain and suffering are to be expected. It is our job as parents to teach children how to deal with pain, to adequately suffer and then move on.
It is also our job to teach them which particular kind of pain is not to be expected or accepted and that there are things we simply can't allow ourselves to dismiss as just another problem. Last night I met with over one hundred parents who, like me, were looking for ways to make sure that our children can understand that we will never allow the rapist from my youngest son's daycare center to hurt another child ever again.
I live literally right around the corner from the daycare. The center's gate and walls have been graffitied and covered in eggs and other things I don't care to mention. My kids and spouse pass by there every day, making the atmosphere permanently violent. Last night, after our meeting, a group of parents went to clean that all up. We cleaned, we painted and left the neighborhood looking a little more amiable. The immediate result was that this morning my sons saw that the walls were white. I told them that I had cleaned the insults and the paint. I also told them that I was going take legal action.
Today I became one of the now 23 plaintiffs in a civil and criminal suit that has been presented before the Chilean court system against the rapist, his employer (the rapist's mother) and any other person who might be deemed responsible during the 90 day investigation. I told my children that as long as their mother and I were alive, we would do every and anything in our power to protect them. They asked me if they would ever see "those people (our neighbors, by the way)" again.  I told them firmly that I would do everything I can to keep them locked up for life and that they would never have to see the again. My eldest son hugged me.
Yesterday I felt powerless. Today I fell powerful.

I have confidence in confidence alone.

"You're really good-looking," my wife said to our third son.
"I know," he answered.
Overconfidence is sometimes confused with self-esteem and vice versa. Our son isn't being arrogant. He feels confident about his looks and that's that. Kids can't have excessive self-esteem, but they can certainly be arrogant. Julie Ross, M.A., describes self-esteem as internal and that it refers to a sense of confidence and competence, whereas arrogance points to overconfidence that's out of touch with reality and which has external manifestations, such as bragging about something. Actually, she explains, bragging can point to a lack of self-esteem.
I titled this post with a quote from the lyrics to The Sound of Music to emphasize that self-esteem is key when setting out to do something bold. That's what is underlying in the scene in which Maria is walking towards the Captain's house for the first time. The character of Maria points to her physical appearance in the last line as misleading with regards to her true self-esteem.
We can get clues about how confident children are about themselves by looking at their actions. Confident children are willing to take on a challenge and accept the risk of failure. Our role as parents is to provide sufficient opportunities to attain goals. This demands avoiding overprotection and reassuring our children. Confidence, self-esteem, or self-assurance are undeniably necessary. They are so, because our children will have to go out and do things without our supervision. They'll get hurt, they'll fail more than once, but it'll be their "confidence in me" that will get them on their feet.
If you're having doubts as to where to start offering opportunities, start at home. Ask your children to take on a task traditionally done by you, like make a bed, heat something in the microwave, water the garden/flowers, use the dishwasher. Gradually ask your children to go to the corner store on his own or pay the fair on the bus or subway. Give them a list at the supermarket for them to fetch. When the time comes for your children to take on something more complex, their confidence will be your confidence too.

Building bonds through rituals

Our third son has been complaining about mosquito bites. "Why do they always bite me and never my brothers?" he asked. We told him that mosquitos choose the sweetest kids. He gave us a look of skepticism, exclaimed, "I don't believe you!" and left. A few minutes later he returned and asked, "Really?". Something well ingrained in his head reminded him that mom and dad are meant to be trusted.

My wife has been reading The Little Prince to the boys as a bed-time story. For me it has been an interesting journey. We've always read to the boys, but this has been a new experience for me. I've had to hear The Little Prince told with a voice that is not my own internal voice. I'm listening to this particular reading of The Little Prince through my wife's vision. We both read it as children and when we were older. Now I've been allowed to interpret the text from the perspective of parenthood. I had always contemplated it in relation to building bonds of friendship.

Building bonds with our kids is an interesting byproduct of creating a relationship with trust at its core. I say it's a byproduct, because I don't see my role as a parent as primarily having to build a bond with my children, but mostly as having to provide a safe environment for them to grow in so they can find their own internal voice. By creating a relationship with trust at its center two things happen; the child feels acknowledged as an individual and he feels respected as a person. This I learned only recently as part of my job as an educator.

To create a bond, The Little Prince's fox offers a simple yet daunting solution: "One must observe the proper rites . . ." Rites and rituals give parents and children alike the opportunity to bond and create memories together. The phrase "Remember when...", needs content, and the rituals we create for our families are exactly that, the content for memories. The summertime, vacations, going downtown with mom or dad, going for a walk, watering the garden, setting the table and then dining together, or reading together can all be opportunities to create memories that children will cherish and be grateful for. These rites are the substance that will make up the experiences of our children, as opposed to living vicariously through a television program. Rites have every possibility of being the essential ingredient to raising children. Children learn through experience and it's our job to provide, if not the experiences themselves, at least the backdrop for them.

The logic behind this reasoning is centered around contol and safety. If we don't control what shapes the child, we can't provide safety. If we can't provide safety, then we've done little as parents, no matter what endevours we've undertaken. Choose a ritual, give it a name, a shape and a time. As a result you will have bonded with you child and, best of all, you will have added yet another strand to your child's safety net.

Añoranzas

Mientras conducíamos a una exposición de ciencia ficción (con entrenamiento Jedi incluido) mis hijos sostuvieron una conversación que tanto a mi como a mí esposa nos parece haber escuchado antes. La habíamos escuchado porque ambos habíamos participado de la misma conversación cuando teníamos la edad de nuestros hijos. Los cuatro niños debatían acerca de cuál es la sección más tenebrosa de la casa del terror de un cierto parque de diversiones. Cada uno postulaba que un muñeco u otro era el más tenebroso y ofrecían argumentos y, a veces, coincidían y alababan la elección que había hecho uno de sus hermanos. Discutían acerca de cuán realista era un muñeco o cuán falso se veía. Más de uno de los niños no había ingresado nunca a la casa del terror, pero ofrecía igualmente su opinión, asentía con la cabeza y se reía, viviendo vicariamente la experiencia de su hermano.

Mientras el auto avanzaba hacia la exposición que visitamos, moviéndose con el vaivén propio de un auto cargado de niños que agitadamente conversan acerca de algo tan verdaderamente cardinal como las características de un juego de parque de diversión, no pude dejar de añorar el tiempo en el cual las cosas eran así de claras para mí. Ya sea si están conversando acerca de una figura de acción, del capítulo de un programa de televisión o de un juego, estos cuatro niños tienen manifiesta convicción de que las cosas son de una manera y no de otra. No tienen dudas; viven en un mundo de certezas. Quizás ése es uno de los mayores logros de mis propios padres. Durante nuestra infancia, ellos crearon, para mis hermanos y para mí, un mundo en el cual había certezas y seguridad. Sin esconder la realidad, se preocuparon de que tuviésemos niñez. Ya habría tiempo para ser adulto y poner las convicciones a prueba.

Garantizar un ambiente de confianza es posiblemente la tarea más compleja y exigente de todas las proezas parentales. Es así pues, si bien es equiparable a un espacio amurallado, la confianza se puede desmoronar en un santiamén y, a veces, para siempre. Sólo basta bajar la guardia un poco, decir algo equivocado o dejar de cumplir la palabra empeñada. Yo hago todas estas cosas con frecuencia, por lo que se hace necesario equilibrar la balanza.

Ello se puede lograr con cosas tan simples como los ritos. Un rito no requiere ser muy complejo ni pomposo; sólo se necesita que sea constante y que busque fortalecer los vínculos y la confianza (Ver "Dulce sueños"). No sirve ir todos los fines de semana a ver a los abuelos y los tíos. Algunos ejemplos: mi padre nos leía periódicamente todos los cuentos de Asterix, mi madre nos cantaba y tocaba la guitarra para nosotros, mi señora le lee a los niños El Principito (ya hablaba con tanta elocuencia el zorro en El Principito acerca de los ritos y de su relevancia). Los niños crecen felices y con confianza en la medida en que saben que cuentan con una red de seguridad preparada especialmente y en forma única para ellos. Algo de eso se deja entrever en un reciente artículo de The Economist, si uno lee entre líneas.

Hace muy bien añorar los tiempos en los que la vida era simple, si no para volver a sentir esas dulces experiencias, entonces para aprender acerca de cómo replicarlas para los propios hijos. Ir a un parque, salir de paseo por el día, dar una vuelta a la manzana, subir un cerro o arreglar una bicicleta juntos pueden ser las experiencias que nuestros hijos necesitan para sentirse seguros y crear sus propios recuerdos. Ellos luego  agradecerán haberlos vivido y los rememorarán con nostalgia.