Tuesday, January 29
Lessons in serenity
Yesterday I went to the supermarket with two of the boys; number two and number four. Strangely enough this particular combination of boys ended up being perfect for a trip to the supermarket. They were helpful; hardly any whining! When we were in the detergent isle suddenly, out of nowhere, a small boy of no more than two years old, leaped on top of my five-year-old and began to try to bite him. In what seemed like tenth's of a second, he managed to bring my son to the ground and started knawing at him like mad. The child's mom grabbed him and I pulled my boy behind me in one Jacky Chan movement. What happened next was what really got to me. Of course, the mom apologised. She was visibly quite embarrassed and upset. While I was checking my son for any marks, he went up to the mom and tried to calm her down. He said he was ok, that he wasn't hurt and that she shouldn't worry. After the mom told us that she's had a lot of trouble with her son, my son explained to her that he understood and that it was all in the past. So proud of my little guy!
Muestras de serenidad
Cada vez que voy al supermercado con más de uno de mis hijos temo y tiemblo por el nivel de estrés que ello implica. No es que mis hijos tengan un comportamiento particularmente malo. Es simplemente que ellos son niños y su tarea no es verdaderamente la de ayudarme. No me malinterpreten, sí creo que me deben ayudar, y de hecho lo hacen. Es sólo que lo hacen a su modo, a su ritmo y no el mío. Eso me logra poner tenso.
Pero ayer mis hijos me dieron una lección en paciencia y serenidad. Fui con dos de ellos al supermercado; con el segundo, de nueve años, y el menor, de cinco años de edad. De alguna manera resultó que esa combinación de niños fue muy provechosa para los efectos de salir a realizar compras. Ellos fueron de gran ayuda, casi no pidieron que les comprase algo y reclamaron muy poco.
Cuando ya terminabamos nuestro recorrido por el supermercado, llegamos a la fila de los detergentes. De pronto, como sacado de una escena de una película de zombies, un niño pequeño (no pudo haber tenido más de dos años) se abalanzó sobre mi hijo menor, lo tumbó y comenzó a intentar morderle repetidas veces. La madre del niño y yo reaccionamos inmediatamente. La madre agarró a su hijo y yo puse al mío a salvo con un movimiento digno de Jacky Chan.
Me extrañó no escuchar llanto alguno por parte de mi hijo. En vez de llorar, mientras la madre del otro niño pedía disculpas y daba explicaciones acerca de la conducta de su hijo y yo revisaba al mío para ver si tenía alguna herida, mi hijo se aseguró de calmar a la señora. Él le decía que él estaba bien. Que no estaba herido y que no le dolía. Luego la señora nos contó que ha tenido muchos problemas con su niño. Mi hijo le mencionó que él entendía y que ella no debía preocuparse.
Al concluir el incidente mis hijos comenzaron a conversar acerca de otras cosas; lo importante de realizar una un otra maniobra en un juego de la consola de videojuegos que ellos tienen, la temperatura que ellos creen que va a tener la piscina el día siguiente y el recuerdo de como las hormigas se llevaban un grillo por partes a su nido.
Creo que yo todavía no me repongo de la escena en que mi hijo era atacado por otro. Ellos en cambio, ya dieron vuelta la página.
Pero ayer mis hijos me dieron una lección en paciencia y serenidad. Fui con dos de ellos al supermercado; con el segundo, de nueve años, y el menor, de cinco años de edad. De alguna manera resultó que esa combinación de niños fue muy provechosa para los efectos de salir a realizar compras. Ellos fueron de gran ayuda, casi no pidieron que les comprase algo y reclamaron muy poco.
Cuando ya terminabamos nuestro recorrido por el supermercado, llegamos a la fila de los detergentes. De pronto, como sacado de una escena de una película de zombies, un niño pequeño (no pudo haber tenido más de dos años) se abalanzó sobre mi hijo menor, lo tumbó y comenzó a intentar morderle repetidas veces. La madre del niño y yo reaccionamos inmediatamente. La madre agarró a su hijo y yo puse al mío a salvo con un movimiento digno de Jacky Chan.
Me extrañó no escuchar llanto alguno por parte de mi hijo. En vez de llorar, mientras la madre del otro niño pedía disculpas y daba explicaciones acerca de la conducta de su hijo y yo revisaba al mío para ver si tenía alguna herida, mi hijo se aseguró de calmar a la señora. Él le decía que él estaba bien. Que no estaba herido y que no le dolía. Luego la señora nos contó que ha tenido muchos problemas con su niño. Mi hijo le mencionó que él entendía y que ella no debía preocuparse.
Al concluir el incidente mis hijos comenzaron a conversar acerca de otras cosas; lo importante de realizar una un otra maniobra en un juego de la consola de videojuegos que ellos tienen, la temperatura que ellos creen que va a tener la piscina el día siguiente y el recuerdo de como las hormigas se llevaban un grillo por partes a su nido.
Creo que yo todavía no me repongo de la escena en que mi hijo era atacado por otro. Ellos en cambio, ya dieron vuelta la página.
Tuesday, January 22
A handbrake is no substitute for an exhaust
Teaching teens about how to curb their inherent impetuousness is perhaps the most complex task a teacher can face inside the classroom. When my eldest was younger, counting to three used to do the trick. Once they hit their tweens and teens, boys and girls need dialogue and reasons. Their exacerbated sense of justice and heightened ability to see the speck in some else's eye rather than the log in theirs, impairs teens from reflecting upon their actions and the necessary consequences. So, teens will sneak out, drink, smoke, have sex, shoplift and do anything that implies running risks.
I've often given parents the advice to make sure the rules of the road are clear. There is a tendency for teens to adhere to norms that are clearly set, based on the notion that when expectations are high, there's an also high probability of those standards being met. When expectations are low or very few standards are set, the tendency of teens is to believe that the sky's the limit and that there are no holds bared.
Now that it's my turn to be parent to a teen, I simply have to admit that all my advice is easier said than done. Keeping my cool, making sure I'm available for a discussion rather than a lecture, honestly expecting the best when I'm really dreading the worst, are all painstaking tasks. I have to constantly remind myself that it doesn't really matter how I was at that age, this is a different human being.
My eldest son is trying to find his place in the universe. One way he's found to try himself on for size is through music. At school he was given the chance to try out playing bass. He stuck with the bass for longer than we expected, so we bought him his own bass. He's been fiddling with it all vacation long and has shown amazing determination. Of course, his impulsivity gets the best of him after a while, but it has become a great outlet.
Teens need the space to be alone or with peers, away from the scrutiny of adults and younger siblings. The bass seems to be that space for our eldest son. It's his own world and nobody else's. Yesterday he and I had a major disagreement. He immediately resorted to trying to be alone, but also to playing his bass. Much better than storming out of the house to god knows where and to do god knows what! That basic need to find a vehicle to channel our frustrations that we adults value so much is no less important to a teen. It's perhaps even more important for a teen. It's the difference between being lost or attempting to achieve a valuable goal. It's the difference between taking any risk or taking a calculated one.
When talking to audiences in his series for university students, "Sessions", Billy Joel often refers to his high school classmates who "peaked too early" in life. Comparing them to caved in ashtrays, he makes the comment about the effects of looking for and finding notoriety and not knowing what to do with it or not knowing how to move on within that notoriety. At times, for teens and pre-teens the spotlight is too difficult a place to move away from and they will sometimes neglect their values in order to step into it. When self-control is not available, parents need to be their children's handbrake. Nevertheless, sometimes teens will surprise us by undertaking a task as a means for self-control and maybe, just maybe they'll achieve something great as a result.
I've often given parents the advice to make sure the rules of the road are clear. There is a tendency for teens to adhere to norms that are clearly set, based on the notion that when expectations are high, there's an also high probability of those standards being met. When expectations are low or very few standards are set, the tendency of teens is to believe that the sky's the limit and that there are no holds bared.
Now that it's my turn to be parent to a teen, I simply have to admit that all my advice is easier said than done. Keeping my cool, making sure I'm available for a discussion rather than a lecture, honestly expecting the best when I'm really dreading the worst, are all painstaking tasks. I have to constantly remind myself that it doesn't really matter how I was at that age, this is a different human being.
My eldest son is trying to find his place in the universe. One way he's found to try himself on for size is through music. At school he was given the chance to try out playing bass. He stuck with the bass for longer than we expected, so we bought him his own bass. He's been fiddling with it all vacation long and has shown amazing determination. Of course, his impulsivity gets the best of him after a while, but it has become a great outlet.
Teens need the space to be alone or with peers, away from the scrutiny of adults and younger siblings. The bass seems to be that space for our eldest son. It's his own world and nobody else's. Yesterday he and I had a major disagreement. He immediately resorted to trying to be alone, but also to playing his bass. Much better than storming out of the house to god knows where and to do god knows what! That basic need to find a vehicle to channel our frustrations that we adults value so much is no less important to a teen. It's perhaps even more important for a teen. It's the difference between being lost or attempting to achieve a valuable goal. It's the difference between taking any risk or taking a calculated one.
When talking to audiences in his series for university students, "Sessions", Billy Joel often refers to his high school classmates who "peaked too early" in life. Comparing them to caved in ashtrays, he makes the comment about the effects of looking for and finding notoriety and not knowing what to do with it or not knowing how to move on within that notoriety. At times, for teens and pre-teens the spotlight is too difficult a place to move away from and they will sometimes neglect their values in order to step into it. When self-control is not available, parents need to be their children's handbrake. Nevertheless, sometimes teens will surprise us by undertaking a task as a means for self-control and maybe, just maybe they'll achieve something great as a result.
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