Forgiveness as the ultimate paradigm

One of the most difficult undertakings I’ve had to take on as a parent is the action of forgiving, not others, but myself. Without ever feeling the risk of being haughty, I always thought I’d do great as a dad. Initially, day-care specialists, doctors and other parents would look at my parenting skills with interest and sometimes with awe. In our matriarchal Chilean society, men are not expected to be good dads. Quite the opposite; the expectation is that we know nothing about children, let alone how to nurture them. So when this raised-abroad Chilean came into the parenting scene, in-laws and co-workers alike were amazed that I could hold a baby, cook, correct tests, speak on the phone, and iron, among other things, all at once.

During his early years, our eldest son seemed to be developing excellently well at day-care and then at school. When our second son came along a few things that had seemed to fit well in his daily life suddenly didn’t. Things had started to go sour at school. We had a few conflicts at home, mostly due to brotherly rivalry. My harsh parenting style wasn’t helping matters either. The more our eldest son acted-up, the stricter and sterner I became. I turned into a zero-tolerance dad, convinced that conflict had to be suppressed like a riot. Rules and regulations were the maxim of how I dealt with parenting. Norms dictated this and that.

By the time our third son had arrived, but before things got terribly worse, we decided to ask for help. However, our son was no longer a happy child. He saw the world as hostile and reacted accordingly. I had to throw out my self-created handbook on parenting and come to the realisation that I was, if not completely, part of the problem. Our goal was to provide our son with a kinder view of the world. This meant that he had to see the world as a kind and gentle place, if not primarily through my actions, at least also through them.

For the better part of two and a half years we learned to change our perspectives, strategies and techniques so as to do exactly what we set out to do. We had many set backs, but we mostly moved in the right direction. Part of what I had to do was to learn to forgive myself. Since I was not the centre, it was our son who was, there was no place for self-reproach. Forgiving myself had an unexpected healing power. The reduced sense of remorse allowed me to concentrate on being kind. It’s completely possible to be firm and kind at the same time. It’s completely possible to enforce rules without losing the gentle, tender, loving touch that parents are meant to be known for and that children desperately need.

Forgiveness is the model for dialogue and understanding. Letting go opens up the mind and the soul to listening and being aware of others and their needs. Forgiveness, of oneself and of others, allows us to focus on the task at hand. As a co-worker keeps on telling me “Let’s move on.” Forgiveness allows us to stop dwelling on the past and to embrace what lies ahead.

As a parent and an educator this notion has lead me to build a close relationship with middle-schoolers. When a child is able to experience true forgiveness, they know they can make mistakes and learn from them. When a child is allowed to see his stumbling blocks as a stepping-stone for a better relationship with the world, they might also learn forgive and let go of what might have been keeping them at bay.