Todo tiene su momento oportuno

"Papá, ya me cansé de que mis hermanos me peguen, se lancen encima mío y se rían de mi," me explica mi hijo mayor. Es el turno de los dos hermanos del medio. Atormentan a su hermano mayor con eximia pericia. Claro, su posgrado lo obtuvieron a manos de su hermano y hoy se lo agradecen de una manera muy particular. Ellos saben que él ha incorporado a sus creencias que no les puede devolver la mano, por lo que despliegan sus mejores destrezas de trabajo colaborativo para sacarlo de quicio.
La rivalidad fraterna no es una novedad y no hay, necesariamente, una estrategia infalible para remediar la hostilidad entre los hermanos. La verdad es que lo que permite superar las dificultades más complejas es el tiempo. Si bien puede parecer poco esperanzador, esperar es, en gran parte, lo que se debe hacer. Lo que permite que el tiempo haga su efecto es la llegada de la pre-adolescencia. Si uno ha sembrado con los hijos en cuanto a la valoración del otro, la incipiente capacidad del pre-adolescente de medir los efectos de lo que hace y de identificar las posibles ramificaciones de lo que cultiva en sus relaciones interpersonales permite que su interés por el bienestar de los hermanos pueda aflorar.
Durante años la rivalidad entre nuestros dos hijos mayores nos trajo mucha preocupación. Las intervenciones únicamente sirvieron para reaccionar a situaciones concretas. Por mucho tiempo no encontrábamos que hubiese avances sustanciales en la relación entre ambos hermanos. El origen de los problemas era que el mayor resentía que el otro le hubiese arrebatado la condición de hijo único. A pesar de que el cariño entre ambos era evidente, sufrían al no llevarse bien.
Con el tiempo la distancia en edad se hizo más notoria. De a poco el mayor pudo darse cuenta que ser el mayor, además de las exigencias, le proponía un acceso a privilegios. Nuestro segundo hijo también comenzó a tener intereses propios más marcados, por lo que involucrarse en lo que estaba haciendo su hermano mayor ya no era tan atractivo. El crecimiento personal de ambos y su cariño por el otro permite que hoy no haya una rivalidad marcada por el resentimiento. Persisten rivalidades pequeñas, pero los hermanos han encontrado la manera de resolver sus diferencias. Además, saben que tienen adultos mediadores a los que pueden recurrir.
Mi hijo mayor ya no se interesa por las dificultades de sus hermanos con el fin de meter el dedo en la llaga, como lo hacía antes. Sus hermanos se dan cuenta de eso y se sienten apoyados cuando su hermano se acerca y les hace cariño. Todo tiene su momento oportuno.

The Emperor's New Clothes

I went to pick the car up from the shop where I had left it for fine-tuning. My youngest and my eldest asked to accompany me, so they came along. As we were walking towards the bus stop my youngest pointed out something obvious, but which I had neglected to notice: "Look! A naked tree!" It's Autumn in Chile. The leaves are mostly gone from the plum trees that line the street that leads to Vitacura Ave., the closest street with a bus line passing through.

Children say the darndest things. They're so casual about pointing that which we probably should have taken notice of. My eldest son, in a soft, older brother voice, quickly corrected him and patiently explained about the seasons, how now it's Autumn, and that leaves fall. "I know, but look, it's naked."

It's not that young children don't understand complex concepts. In fact, if we choose to refrain from underestimating them, more times than not, they surprise us with the level of sophistication of their understanding. The diference between my two sons is that my eldest has lost the wonderment for things such as the seasons.

As we rode the on the bus my youngest son continued to say "Oh!" at every thing that caught his eye. It became a game later for his elder brother. He would say to me, "I bet he's going to say 'oh' again." He guessed every time. When we passed by a cage filled with canaries he said, "He's going to say 'oh' again." Surely enough, it happened. By anticipating what his brother's reaction would be, my eldest son was also on the lookout for wondrous things. By telling me about it, I was also allowed to take notice of the obvious and enjoy and wonder.

Sharing is caring

George was an Eighth Grade student of mine who would continuously blurt out this phase: "Sharing is caring." I’m not certain he knew the depth of what he was saying, but he’d use it as way to make sure other classmates would stop bickering about things such as who sat where or who had a better packed-lunch. Funnily enough, it would always work.

As a teacher I have adopted the phrase and I use it very much like George used it. Students sense when I’m about to say it and they repeat in chorus “Sharing is caring”. I first stared using the phrase when I accompanied 45 middle-schoolers on a one-week sports tour to the South of Chile. We shared a bus and got to see a side of each other that we didn’t expect to find. In the phrase, sharing is caring, we found a connection of complicity involving all the growth experiences that occurred during the trip. Repeating the phrase has turned into a reset button for mischief; if students snap at each other in class, the phrase acts like an equaliser.

A home we don´t use a reset button. The phrase is not necessary. It’s the principle behind sharing is caring that applies. This morning my youngest and my eldest were fighting over the television. They both wanted to watch, but each wanted a different show. My youngest is three years old and my eldest is ten. Initially, neither one was able to show empathy towards the other’s wants, but as each advocated for their right to choose which programming to watch, they started to become more flexible. In the end, they made a deal which involved designating times and channels. I didn’t have to do a thing! Sure, I was the mediator and the agreement was made in front of me, but they came up with the idea themselves.

I’m certain their agreement won’t last till tomorrow. However, the skill of creative problem solving is ingrained. The reason why my two boys were able to find a solution to their conflict is that they were both able to see that the other had a valid point. They were able to reach an agreement because they care. There was no choice but to share.