Pain and suffering are inevitably part of life. Harsh, but true. From scraped knees to heartbreak from unrequited love, pain and suffering are to be expected. It is our job as parents to teach children how to deal with pain, to adequately suffer and then move on.
It is also our job to teach them which particular kind of pain is not to be expected or accepted and that there are things we simply can't allow ourselves to dismiss as just another problem. Last night I met with over one hundred parents who, like me, were looking for ways to make sure that our children can understand that we will never allow the rapist from my youngest son's daycare center to hurt another child ever again.
I live literally right around the corner from the daycare. The center's gate and walls have been graffitied and covered in eggs and other things I don't care to mention. My kids and spouse pass by there every day, making the atmosphere permanently violent. Last night, after our meeting, a group of parents went to clean that all up. We cleaned, we painted and left the neighborhood looking a little more amiable. The immediate result was that this morning my sons saw that the walls were white. I told them that I had cleaned the insults and the paint. I also told them that I was going take legal action.
Today I became one of the now 23 plaintiffs in a civil and criminal suit that has been presented before the Chilean court system against the rapist, his employer (the rapist's mother) and any other person who might be deemed responsible during the 90 day investigation. I told my children that as long as their mother and I were alive, we would do every and anything in our power to protect them. They asked me if they would ever see "those people (our neighbors, by the way)" again. I told them firmly that I would do everything I can to keep them locked up for life and that they would never have to see the again. My eldest son hugged me.
Yesterday I felt powerless. Today I fell powerful.
Friday, June 15
Friday, January 27
I have confidence in confidence alone.
"You're really good-looking," my wife said to our third son.
"I know," he answered.
Overconfidence is sometimes confused with self-esteem and vice versa. Our son isn't being arrogant. He feels confident about his looks and that's that. Kids can't have excessive self-esteem, but they can certainly be arrogant. Julie Ross, M.A., describes self-esteem as internal and that it refers to a sense of confidence and competence, whereas arrogance points to overconfidence that's out of touch with reality and which has external manifestations, such as bragging about something. Actually, she explains, bragging can point to a lack of self-esteem.
I titled this post with a quote from the lyrics to The Sound of Music to emphasize that self-esteem is key when setting out to do something bold. That's what is underlying in the scene in which Maria is walking towards the Captain's house for the first time. The character of Maria points to her physical appearance in the last line as misleading with regards to her true self-esteem.
We can get clues about how confident children are about themselves by looking at their actions. Confident children are willing to take on a challenge and accept the risk of failure. Our role as parents is to provide sufficient opportunities to attain goals. This demands avoiding overprotection and reassuring our children. Confidence, self-esteem, or self-assurance are undeniably necessary. They are so, because our children will have to go out and do things without our supervision. They'll get hurt, they'll fail more than once, but it'll be their "confidence in me" that will get them on their feet.
If you're having doubts as to where to start offering opportunities, start at home. Ask your children to take on a task traditionally done by you, like make a bed, heat something in the microwave, water the garden/flowers, use the dishwasher. Gradually ask your children to go to the corner store on his own or pay the fair on the bus or subway. Give them a list at the supermarket for them to fetch. When the time comes for your children to take on something more complex, their confidence will be your confidence too.
"I know," he answered.
Overconfidence is sometimes confused with self-esteem and vice versa. Our son isn't being arrogant. He feels confident about his looks and that's that. Kids can't have excessive self-esteem, but they can certainly be arrogant. Julie Ross, M.A., describes self-esteem as internal and that it refers to a sense of confidence and competence, whereas arrogance points to overconfidence that's out of touch with reality and which has external manifestations, such as bragging about something. Actually, she explains, bragging can point to a lack of self-esteem.
I titled this post with a quote from the lyrics to The Sound of Music to emphasize that self-esteem is key when setting out to do something bold. That's what is underlying in the scene in which Maria is walking towards the Captain's house for the first time. The character of Maria points to her physical appearance in the last line as misleading with regards to her true self-esteem.
We can get clues about how confident children are about themselves by looking at their actions. Confident children are willing to take on a challenge and accept the risk of failure. Our role as parents is to provide sufficient opportunities to attain goals. This demands avoiding overprotection and reassuring our children. Confidence, self-esteem, or self-assurance are undeniably necessary. They are so, because our children will have to go out and do things without our supervision. They'll get hurt, they'll fail more than once, but it'll be their "confidence in me" that will get them on their feet.
If you're having doubts as to where to start offering opportunities, start at home. Ask your children to take on a task traditionally done by you, like make a bed, heat something in the microwave, water the garden/flowers, use the dishwasher. Gradually ask your children to go to the corner store on his own or pay the fair on the bus or subway. Give them a list at the supermarket for them to fetch. When the time comes for your children to take on something more complex, their confidence will be your confidence too.
Wednesday, January 25
Building bonds through rituals
Our third son has been complaining about mosquito bites. "Why do they always bite me and never my brothers?" he asked. We told him that mosquitos choose the sweetest kids. He gave us a look of skepticism, exclaimed, "I don't believe you!" and left. A few minutes later he returned and asked, "Really?". Something well ingrained in his head reminded him that mom and dad are meant to be trusted.
My wife has been reading The Little Prince to the boys as a bed-time story. For me it has been an interesting journey. We've always read to the boys, but this has been a new experience for me. I've had to hear The Little Prince told with a voice that is not my own internal voice. I'm listening to this particular reading of The Little Prince through my wife's vision. We both read it as children and when we were older. Now I've been allowed to interpret the text from the perspective of parenthood. I had always contemplated it in relation to building bonds of friendship.
Building bonds with our kids is an interesting byproduct of creating a relationship with trust at its core. I say it's a byproduct, because I don't see my role as a parent as primarily having to build a bond with my children, but mostly as having to provide a safe environment for them to grow in so they can find their own internal voice. By creating a relationship with trust at its center two things happen; the child feels acknowledged as an individual and he feels respected as a person. This I learned only recently as part of my job as an educator.
To create a bond, The Little Prince's fox offers a simple yet daunting solution: "One must observe the proper rites . . ." Rites and rituals give parents and children alike the opportunity to bond and create memories together. The phrase "Remember when...", needs content, and the rituals we create for our families are exactly that, the content for memories. The summertime, vacations, going downtown with mom or dad, going for a walk, watering the garden, setting the table and then dining together, or reading together can all be opportunities to create memories that children will cherish and be grateful for. These rites are the substance that will make up the experiences of our children, as opposed to living vicariously through a television program. Rites have every possibility of being the essential ingredient to raising children. Children learn through experience and it's our job to provide, if not the experiences themselves, at least the backdrop for them.
The logic behind this reasoning is centered around contol and safety. If we don't control what shapes the child, we can't provide safety. If we can't provide safety, then we've done little as parents, no matter what endevours we've undertaken. Choose a ritual, give it a name, a shape and a time. As a result you will have bonded with you child and, best of all, you will have added yet another strand to your child's safety net.
My wife has been reading The Little Prince to the boys as a bed-time story. For me it has been an interesting journey. We've always read to the boys, but this has been a new experience for me. I've had to hear The Little Prince told with a voice that is not my own internal voice. I'm listening to this particular reading of The Little Prince through my wife's vision. We both read it as children and when we were older. Now I've been allowed to interpret the text from the perspective of parenthood. I had always contemplated it in relation to building bonds of friendship.
Building bonds with our kids is an interesting byproduct of creating a relationship with trust at its core. I say it's a byproduct, because I don't see my role as a parent as primarily having to build a bond with my children, but mostly as having to provide a safe environment for them to grow in so they can find their own internal voice. By creating a relationship with trust at its center two things happen; the child feels acknowledged as an individual and he feels respected as a person. This I learned only recently as part of my job as an educator.
To create a bond, The Little Prince's fox offers a simple yet daunting solution: "One must observe the proper rites . . ." Rites and rituals give parents and children alike the opportunity to bond and create memories together. The phrase "Remember when...", needs content, and the rituals we create for our families are exactly that, the content for memories. The summertime, vacations, going downtown with mom or dad, going for a walk, watering the garden, setting the table and then dining together, or reading together can all be opportunities to create memories that children will cherish and be grateful for. These rites are the substance that will make up the experiences of our children, as opposed to living vicariously through a television program. Rites have every possibility of being the essential ingredient to raising children. Children learn through experience and it's our job to provide, if not the experiences themselves, at least the backdrop for them.
The logic behind this reasoning is centered around contol and safety. If we don't control what shapes the child, we can't provide safety. If we can't provide safety, then we've done little as parents, no matter what endevours we've undertaken. Choose a ritual, give it a name, a shape and a time. As a result you will have bonded with you child and, best of all, you will have added yet another strand to your child's safety net.
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